Aniyah Grace

Lyndon and Janae first connected with me the week of Thanksgiving. I could tell right off the bat that this wasn't their first time through an adoption journey. After speaking with them for a couple of weeks, they decided to sign on with Christian Adoption Consultants. I was thrilled to be a small part of their family's story of adopting again! 

Even though I had only known them for a few weeks, their faith that God would lead them to the child meant for their family was inspiring. Right off the bat, Lyndon and Janae chose to present and were told "no" twice. Although this can be heart wrenching, I watched from afar as they stood firm on God's timing for their family. Little did they know, He had something in the works for them. 

On January 2, Janae was contacted by a dear friend who had been in contact with the nurse who helped deliver her daughter that she adopted. This nurse had a daughter who was due at any time and was choosing to make an adoption plan. 

Lyndon and Janae stepped out in faith and said yes to a vastly unknown situation. What followed in the hours after saying yes was a whirlwind! After hardly adjusting to the fact that they were matched, they were told they needed to start driving because the expectant mother was in active labor. During the morning on January 3, Aniyah Grace was born! 

When I asked Janae what it was like meeting Aniyah for the first time, this is what she said: 

Usually I get so nervous and worked up over new things like this. But we all were so at peace as we walked into the hospital and met the family. Aniyah's birth mother and I hugged each other and I gave her a hard copy of our profile book so she could have it since this was such a quick match. The hospital nicely gave us a private room and they wheeled Aniyah in. Our hearts could hardly contain all her sweetness! It was such a wonderful experience and I still hardly have any words for it. We feel so blessed and awed by our great God! He’s a miracle worker! 

Expectant Mother & Birth Mother

My oldest son had recently started testing the waters of calling me by my first name instead of Mom. At first it was something I giggled and shook my head at but then after a few days, it started to feel icky. I realized that I needed to sit him down and explain that although it was funny the first few times, it wasn't funny anymore. In fact, it was coming across as disrespectful. He listened and then replied, "But Mom, Daddy calls you Meg. Why can't I?"

He made a valid point. However, I'm an authority figure for him as my son. I made the analogy that he would never think to call his teacher at school by her first name. It's out of respect that we call her Mrs. Smith because the terminology we use for people matter.

In the adoption world, the terminology we use for each side of the triad carries a tremendous amount of weight. This is especially true when it comes to the woman making an adoption plan for her unborn baby.

We use the term Expectant Mother when a mother is pregnant and making an adoption plan.

We use the term Birth Mother when a mother has given birth and signed the paperwork to allow a hopeful adoptive family to raise her baby.

We use these different terms to respect that a mother who has an adoption plan for her baby is still the person who makes the decisions for her baby until paperwork is signed. She is not called a birth mother until after paperwork is signed.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Journey to Open Adoption

It can be intimidating for hopeful adoptive parents to see photos of families who have an open adoption with the biological family. It is often assumed that the open adoption started from the beginning. At least for our family, though, it did not.

Open adoption has been a journey for us - with ebbs and flows. When J first came to us there were a lot of unknowns for months. Not only that, but his biological mother was unable due to circumstances to have visitations for nearly a year. I would describe that year of one with a lot of bumps, not because of us or them, but because of the system itself.

The first time J's biological mother and I were actually able to speak to one another was in a meeting room at the court house. We did our best to make small talk while being surrounded by professionals watching us. One of the biggest attributes to this journey of open adoption was that we all had a mutual respect for one another. Tim and I did our best to always make sure she knew we respected her as J's mom and as a fellow human being. We sensed often that she also respected us as foster parents and genuinely appreciated how well we were doing in taking care of her son.

Although rare, in the midst of her frustration with the system, there were times that the frustration poured over on to us. I was reminded by friends and family that even though it felt personal, it wasn't. She was dealing with circumstances that I cannot even begin to imagine. She was fighting for her baby. She was in crisis. When I remembered this, it became easier to extend grace and move past it.

Once J's adoption was finalized, something shifted for all of us because our relationship was not dictated by the foster care system. We were able to meet up without professionals watching us and whenever it was convenient for all of us. Instead of meeting up in the court house or in an agency office, we started meeting up at McDonald's and parks. It made a world of difference! We were no longer "holding our breath" and she was no longer in "fight or flight" mode. We started slowly getting to know each other as human beings who both loved a boy named J.

Over the next five years, our relationship continued to grow as typical relationships do. As trust was built on both sides, more openness followed. We went from swapping numbers to meet up at McDonald's to becoming Facebook friends to inviting them to birthday parties to opening up our living room for Christmas. We all took it at our own pace and within boundaries that we were comfortable with in each season that life brought.

We certainly weren't the only ones who extended grace, though! J's birth mother extended incredible grace by choosing us to not only adopt her second baby, but also allowing us to be at the ultrasound appointment and in the delivery room. We didn't deserve or have the right to be there, but were so honored that she chose us and allowed us to experience those moments with her.

It has now been seven years since we first met in a court room. The typical rhythm for our open adoption is that meet up every few months (and it often involves pizza topped with pineapple cause we've found we all love it). There is laughing and playing and lots of hugging. We update each other on things going on in our lives. Not just shooting the breeze but real things like new jobs, health changes, and future plans.

At the end of the day, open adoption isn't about me or even her. It's about our kids. I can tell them until I'm blue in the face that their birth mother loves them, but for our kids to experience that love for themselves is invaluable. And from the way I see it, the more people to love them unconditionally the better!

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

The "Scary" Birth Family

It was my first time in a courtroom setting and when the judge asked for everyone to introduce themselves I said, "Meg". 

He asked, "Meg what?" 

"Oh, um, Weston."  

"And why are you here?" 

The caseworker nudged me and whispered, "Say you're the foster mom..."

"Sir, I'm the foster mom."

Thankfully that moment passed, but then I was overwhelmed by the presence of J's biological mother directly across from me while I was holding her baby. Once my nerves settled some, I got the courage up to look in her direction and to my surprise with tears in her eyes she lipped, “Thank you.” My walls of fear went tumbling down and I began to try to get J to smile for her. For a moment, she was able to enjoy her baby even though she couldn’t touch him.

The second court date, we were able to meet two other members of the family. They immediately came up to us in the waiting room as they recognized him. We formally introduced ourselves and his biological grandmother sat next to me while I held him. It was very awkward at first because I wasn’t sure if I could let them hold him and didn’t want to do it without the caseworker there. They seemed to sense this awkward moment too, because they didn’t ask to hold him either. It's something I am embarrassed to think about now. I should have let them hold him, but my fears were running a mile a minute which was unreasonable. 

After court, the caseworker asked if we’d be comfortable with them holding J. We agreed and so the caseworker asked if they would like to hold him. Their eyes lit up! They both were able to hold and kiss him. I remember wishing cameras were allowed in court houses. It was a beautiful moment to see J being loved on by his biological family. They gave him back to us and said thank you for taking care of him so well. J’s grandmother then leaned over and gave me a huge hug. It will go down as one of the best hugs I’ve ever received. She boldly broke a barrier and immediately made us on the same team for him, which is how it should be.

The next court date, they were there again. This time it was less awkward and more like friends. J's grandmother and aunt both said time and time again that they were in full support of him staying with us. His grandmother asked, “You would still be the ones to adopt him if it goes that way, right?” I reassured her by saying, “We are in love with him.” She smiled and said, “Good.” 

We talked about J’s development and they mentioned how they love the pictures of him on a private website we’ve set up. I was surprised, but they even requested that we add more pictures of us as a family and not just the ones of him by himself. They said they enjoyed seeing pictures of all of us together. Crazy, huh? The conversation then got deeper as the grandmother offered up that if we ever had any questions regarding family history or health issues that she would be more than happy to give us all the honest answers. She stated, “Anything. Really, I will tell you anything you want to know.” I asked a few questions there but hoped to ask more in the future as time went on and more trust was built up.

After court as we were leaving, his grandmother and aunt both gave me a hug. I stated, “It was good to see you again.” I wouldn’t believe 6 months before that that I would be there saying good to see you. It’s not that I had this expectation that they would be terrible people, but it was that I didn’t think we would have such a good relationship. I assumed it would be more distant. 

In our foster parent training, we viewed a film where there was scene of a birth family eating dinner at the family’s home. I thought it was a far stretch for that to ever happen when we were watching the film. However, I am honored to say that it's our reality.

I've heard many talk about a birth family as if they are a hindrance or inconvenience in the process, but I've learned that this attitude is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, we miss them when they aren't able to make it to birthday parties, we plan Christmas get-togethers, and genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They cheer us on and we cheer them on. We've straight up become family. I don't explain this as a "look how great we are", but rather to open the minds of those who think about adoption only to shy away from it due to openness. Instead, I hope this sheds some light on open adoption as something that can be beautiful and authentic. 

Together we are motherhood.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Youngest (Part 3 of 3)

G was napping while J and I finished up lunch. My phone got a text notification so I gazed at it shortly to see who it was from. It was from J's biological grandmother so I picked it up to see what it said. "Would you and Tim be open to adopting again?" I stared at it for a while puzzled and then replied, "Yes, we've talked about it." After a number of texts back-n-forth, tears started streaming down my face. J asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?"

Nothing was wrong. Instead, I had learned on that mundane day that we might be becoming a family of 5. There were conversations that needed to happen first, though. I called Tim and told him the information I knew. He was on board immediately! After that, I called Tim's sister who also happens to be an adoption consultant to see what our next steps were. We'd been through an adoption before, but that was through foster care. Adoption through a private match is a completely different world.

• Find an agency 
• Pay for and complete a home study
• Fundraise
• Apply for grants
• Find a lawyer
• Annnnnnd wait. 

The due date came and went, which was all too familiar. However, this time it wasn't my body. I couldn't schedule to be induced because it's her body and her choice. After a couple weeks past the due date, Mama E decided it was time. She gave us the time that she would be induced and graciously invited us to be there. It was evening which then turned into night time. We wanted to give her privacy but also didn't want to miss the birth so we stayed in the waiting room nearby. 

Night turned into those early morning hours and still no baby. Mama E was exhausted from laboring all night and trying to push for about an hour. Around 6 A.M. we were told by staff to go get some breakfast as they were giving her a little more time to rest before she'd start pushing again.

We found a vending machine and ate some granola bars while staring off in silence. Tim is the calm one of us but he was clearly struggling with the intensity of the situation. We quite literally had no control and had to fully trust in God like never before. We rested in those few quiet moments and then decided to head back up. 

As we approached Mama E's room, she made eye contact with us. She gleefully asked, "Did you see HER yet!?! She's down in the nursery!" We hadn't know the gender of the baby because the ultrasounds were not clear enough. So when my husband heard it was a girl he was so overcome with joy that tears soaked his cheeks. He had longed for a daughter. It was more then just "a daughter would be nice", but truly something I believe God planted in his heart. 

We were escorted to the nursery and there was E screaming her sweet little head off. We each took one of her hands and she wrapped her tiny fingers around ours. I gently whispered in a rhythmic way, "Shh..Shh..Shh" over and over until she finally settled (and to this day, that "shh...shh..shh" still soothes her). 

Mama E was transferred to the postpartum unit with E and she again graciously invited us to stay. She held E for awhile and then said, "Ok, it's your turn to hold your daughter!"

                       

All three of us relished in how adorable E was and took turns feeding, holding, and smiling at her. Evening was setting in and we made the decision to get a hotel for the night. This not only allowed for us to get some sleep after 24 hours of no sleep, but it also allowed Mama E and E some sacred time together. Was it hard? Absolutely. However, this one night away will never compare to how hard it was for Mama E to leave us with E the next morning.

This is where selflessness and bravery are on full display in Mama E. The next morning, she was discharged. She was wheeled out of the hospital with her eyes full of tears and her arms empty. In that moment, Tim and I had no words. What could we say? Thank you isn't enough. So all we could do was embrace her.

We stayed at the hospital with E for the rest of the day and she was discharged the following morning. We headed home to introduce her to two boys who were eagerly waiting for her arrival. Once we got home, the boys were magnets to her. Those few minutes were the best of my life - seeing how excited they both were and how J (who can talk your ear off) was speechless with a permanent smile on his face. Contentment filled my soul because I knew E made our family complete.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Oldest (Part 1 of 3)

It was a typical winter day. There was a dusting of snow on the ground and we were out running errands. We were on our way home when Tim's phone rang with an unfamiliar number. When Tim answered, his face immediately changed. I could see him processing some very shocking information, but I didn't know what it was. He finally said, "A 3 month old baby boy?" I knew right then that this was it. Ten days earlier we had received our foster care license and it was actually happening in that moment. Tim asked the caller for a moment to discuss the details with me, put his hand over the phone, and looked at me wide-eyed. He stated, "They have a 3-month-old baby boy and they are on their way to our home if we accept." We had always wondered how easy or difficult it would be to pull the trigger and accept our first placement. Without even thinking, I replied, "Of course! Yes, oh my gosh. This is happening, Tim!" All Tim could do was smile and relay our answer. 

We rushed home and Tim sprinted to the garage to gather all the items we had stocked up for a baby. (Funny fact: He was running so fast that he ended up needing a puff of his inhaler!) While he was doing that, I sorted all the items and called my sister to ask, “What do 3 month old babies do? Do they eat food? Do they play with toys?” She chuckled and said, “Nope, they basically still do everything a newborn does. Sleep, eat, and poop.” 

Our home was a mess with all the chaos of trying to organize our items and then trying to figure out what we still needed. We decided to wait until the baby arrived before one of us would go shopping for the other things we knew he’d need. We sat at our dining room table and stared out the window. I can take myself back so easily to the feelings of anticipation and excitement while sitting there waiting for the car to come. Tim and I didn’t do much talking, but when we did it was: 

“Can you believe this is happening?”

“I wonder what he looks like.”

Then suddenly the car pulled in our driveway. Tim went out and helped carry J in. He was sound asleep in the car seat so Tim placed the car seat on the couch. Tim took off the blanket that was over top and there he was—a beautiful baby boy with more hair than Tim could ever dream of! It was love at first sight. The paperwork was filled out and we were given the court date, then the caseworker left.

Tim took J over to the Christmas tree and his eyes lit up! Tim started crying and in front of the Christmas tree we fell to our knees, embraced with J in the middle of us, and wept tears of joy and sorrow. Joy because it now made sense why we felt called into foster care. It was for him. All of the classes, applications, paperwork, interviews, phone calls, tough conversations, and prayers were for J. I remember in that moment saying, “He is the reason. He is it.” In the midst of the joy, though, there was sorrow. Sorrow for what he so obviously endured. 

Soon after, J was clearly getting hungry. I remember feeding him that first bottle. As he guzzled it down, he stared directly in my eyes and I stared directly back at him—this was the moment that I became a mother.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our First Dinner With His Birth Family

It had been a year of J being in foster care and we continued to build trust with J's biological grandma and aunt. We planned to meet up days before Christmas for dinner. We were anxious and didn’t know what to expect as we headed there. What will we talk about? What if J throws a fit? What if this is really awkward? We got there fifteen minutes early and expected to wait a little while, but as we walked in we were welcomed with waves and smiles. They had been there a half an hour early, which showed they were just as anxious as us and excited to see him. 

There was no talk of the weather, sports, or work; rather, there was meaningful conversation that flowed easily. I remember being amazed at how comfortable we were around them. It was the typical family eating together, as any outsider would observe. His grandma chased him around the restaurant, helped me change him into his pajamas, joked that his temper tantrums are a family trait, and brought a galore of gifts for him. His aunt was taking pictures, giggling at all his expressions, and gushing at how cute he was. 

We discussed the future and they, once again, reassured us that they wanted us to adopt him. We, in return, reassured them that we wanted to keep them in our life and made plans to meet up consistently. 

As we were leaving, we all hugged each other (plus we got kissed on the cheek by grandma). As his grandma was pulling away after a second hug, she said, “I love you guys!” To my surprise, without hesitation, I said, “We love you too!” And honestly, we really do. We are all family now, because of J. 

This dinner would be just the first of many to come. In fact, our relationship has evolved to the point that they've been to our home many times. They are invited to birthday parties and sit at the same table as our extended family. Has it been perfect? No. But what relationship is? There have been seasons where we've seen them every other month and seasons where it's longer in between. Not because of any animosity, but because life happens. On both sides, there is a mutual respect and love that we understand when plans need to be changed or cancelled. They've been so gracious to us over the years!
Many hopeful adoptive parents are guarded when it comes to open adoption. It's the assumption that the biological family with co-parent in a way and that they are obligated to meet up all the time. That is not the case, though. With boundaries that are respected by everyone, open adoption actually reminds me a lot of a relationship you might have with your in-laws. They are there to love on our children, celebrate the good times, and we support each other through tougher times. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

When She Made an Adoption Plan

It's been 7 years since she first made an adoption plan. That day in court was heart wrenching, especially for her. What I want J (and E) to know is that...

This wasn’t easy for her.

It took her years to get to this decision. It was not made in haste. When we got inside the court room and the judge began asking the clarifying questions, we could hear her voice crack with every “yes”. I got enough courage to look up from my feet to look at her face and it was obvious – this was shattering her heart. The tears began to fall and the “yes” responses still came but they continued to get tougher.

She made a plan out of selfless love.

She didn’t sign what they call a “general surrender”; instead, she signed a “specific surrender”. This meant that she was only signing with the plan that we would proceed to adopt J. She wasn’t willing to just let anyone adopt him, and we are honored that she trusts us enough to raise her son. This plan was made out of selfless love, because what we all learn when we have children is that raising a child involves more than simply love. It’s complicated, unfortunately. She recognized that and chose J's well-being over her own.

She wanted you to have an involved father.

Mama E explained that what solidified in her mind of making an adoption plan was when she saw the way J and Tim interacted. She saw how much Tim loved J and how much J loved him. She didn’t want to take J away from a loving, involved father. This is just another example of her selfless love. She was willing to set herself aside in order to provide J something that she couldn’t give him at the time.

She loves you.

I’ve seen this since the first day in court back in December of 2012. I still see it in the questions she asks about J. When he was a baby, she'd ask about music classes, his favorite foods, how he interacts with other kids, and how he was developing. Even to this day, she wants to know what he into and how well he is doing in school. Every time J video calls her, she answers with a huge smile and ends the conversation with a "love you". It is such a gift to him and E that they'll grow up knowing the love of their birth mother!

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

*Photos shared with permission of their brave birth mother*