The "Scary" Birth Family

It was my first time in a courtroom setting and when the judge asked for everyone to introduce themselves I said, "Meg". 

He asked, "Meg what?" 

"Oh, um, Weston."  

"And why are you here?" 

The caseworker nudged me and whispered, "Say you're the foster mom..."

"Sir, I'm the foster mom."

Thankfully that moment passed, but then I was overwhelmed by the presence of J's biological mother directly across from me while I was holding her baby. Once my nerves settled some, I got the courage up to look in her direction and to my surprise with tears in her eyes she lipped, “Thank you.” My walls of fear went tumbling down and I began to try to get J to smile for her. For a moment, she was able to enjoy her baby even though she couldn’t touch him.

The second court date, we were able to meet two other members of the family. They immediately came up to us in the waiting room as they recognized him. We formally introduced ourselves and his biological grandmother sat next to me while I held him. It was very awkward at first because I wasn’t sure if I could let them hold him and didn’t want to do it without the caseworker there. They seemed to sense this awkward moment too, because they didn’t ask to hold him either. It's something I am embarrassed to think about now. I should have let them hold him, but my fears were running a mile a minute which was unreasonable. 

After court, the caseworker asked if we’d be comfortable with them holding J. We agreed and so the caseworker asked if they would like to hold him. Their eyes lit up! They both were able to hold and kiss him. I remember wishing cameras were allowed in court houses. It was a beautiful moment to see J being loved on by his biological family. They gave him back to us and said thank you for taking care of him so well. J’s grandmother then leaned over and gave me a huge hug. It will go down as one of the best hugs I’ve ever received. She boldly broke a barrier and immediately made us on the same team for him, which is how it should be.

The next court date, they were there again. This time it was less awkward and more like friends. J's grandmother and aunt both said time and time again that they were in full support of him staying with us. His grandmother asked, “You would still be the ones to adopt him if it goes that way, right?” I reassured her by saying, “We are in love with him.” She smiled and said, “Good.” 

We talked about J’s development and they mentioned how they love the pictures of him on a private website we’ve set up. I was surprised, but they even requested that we add more pictures of us as a family and not just the ones of him by himself. They said they enjoyed seeing pictures of all of us together. Crazy, huh? The conversation then got deeper as the grandmother offered up that if we ever had any questions regarding family history or health issues that she would be more than happy to give us all the honest answers. She stated, “Anything. Really, I will tell you anything you want to know.” I asked a few questions there but hoped to ask more in the future as time went on and more trust was built up.

After court as we were leaving, his grandmother and aunt both gave me a hug. I stated, “It was good to see you again.” I wouldn’t believe 6 months before that that I would be there saying good to see you. It’s not that I had this expectation that they would be terrible people, but it was that I didn’t think we would have such a good relationship. I assumed it would be more distant. 

In our foster parent training, we viewed a film where there was scene of a birth family eating dinner at the family’s home. I thought it was a far stretch for that to ever happen when we were watching the film. However, I am honored to say that it's our reality.

I've heard many talk about a birth family as if they are a hindrance or inconvenience in the process, but I've learned that this attitude is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, we miss them when they aren't able to make it to birthday parties, we plan Christmas get-togethers, and genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They cheer us on and we cheer them on. We've straight up become family. I don't explain this as a "look how great we are", but rather to open the minds of those who think about adoption only to shy away from it due to openness. Instead, I hope this sheds some light on open adoption as something that can be beautiful and authentic. 

Together we are motherhood.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +