Our First Dinner With His Birth Family

It had been a year of J being in foster care and we continued to build trust with J's biological grandma and aunt. We planned to meet up days before Christmas for dinner. We were anxious and didn’t know what to expect as we headed there. What will we talk about? What if J throws a fit? What if this is really awkward? We got there fifteen minutes early and expected to wait a little while, but as we walked in we were welcomed with waves and smiles. They had been there a half an hour early, which showed they were just as anxious as us and excited to see him. 

There was no talk of the weather, sports, or work; rather, there was meaningful conversation that flowed easily. I remember being amazed at how comfortable we were around them. It was the typical family eating together, as any outsider would observe. His grandma chased him around the restaurant, helped me change him into his pajamas, joked that his temper tantrums are a family trait, and brought a galore of gifts for him. His aunt was taking pictures, giggling at all his expressions, and gushing at how cute he was. 

We discussed the future and they, once again, reassured us that they wanted us to adopt him. We, in return, reassured them that we wanted to keep them in our life and made plans to meet up consistently. 

As we were leaving, we all hugged each other (plus we got kissed on the cheek by grandma). As his grandma was pulling away after a second hug, she said, “I love you guys!” To my surprise, without hesitation, I said, “We love you too!” And honestly, we really do. We are all family now, because of J. 

This dinner would be just the first of many to come. In fact, our relationship has evolved to the point that they've been to our home many times. They are invited to birthday parties and sit at the same table as our extended family. Has it been perfect? No. But what relationship is? There have been seasons where we've seen them every other month and seasons where it's longer in between. Not because of any animosity, but because life happens. On both sides, there is a mutual respect and love that we understand when plans need to be changed or cancelled. They've been so gracious to us over the years!
Many hopeful adoptive parents are guarded when it comes to open adoption. It's the assumption that the biological family with co-parent in a way and that they are obligated to meet up all the time. That is not the case, though. With boundaries that are respected by everyone, open adoption actually reminds me a lot of a relationship you might have with your in-laws. They are there to love on our children, celebrate the good times, and we support each other through tougher times. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Mommy, why didn't I grow in your belly?

It was a rough day. There was bickering between my boys almost constantly. Breaking up fights was becoming all too common and I was at my wits end. It was probably the 50th time of asking J to stop pestering G which earned him a spot on the steps. I felt tears welling up and asking myself, "Is their relationship always going to be like this?" 

After a few minutes, I sat next to J on the steps and asked him the typical why did he think he was in time-out. He looked down and shrugged his shoulders. I knew something deeper had to be going on. Sibling rivalry is normal to an extent, but this was extreme. It's been so extreme that I've consulted professionals about it and one mentioned that J could be experiencing some jealousy that he didn't grow in my belly like G did. Wait, what? No. I mean, J should know that I love him no differently. He sees that, right? But in this moment on the steps, I decided to attempt to put words to the feelings he might be having. As he sat there, I asked him, "Hey buddy, do you some times feel sad or mad that G grew in my belly?" 

Tears came from his eyes immediately. He melted as if I hit the nail on the head to something he didn't know how to express himself. I brought him in close to me and we cried together. After a few moments, he said, "Mommy, why didn't I grow in your belly?" My response straight up came from God because I'm not great with words on the fly.

"J, if you grew in my belly you wouldn't be you. You wouldn't be so good at drawing. You wouldn't be able to run as fast as you do and be able to do all those flips. You wouldn't be blessed with that handsome tan skin and those beautiful brown eyes. You wouldn't have that big, bold smile. If you grew in my belly, you wouldn't be who God intended you to be. And I love who God created you to be." 

That conversation happened about a year ago and I'd like to say that all had been wonderful after that between the boys, but it was still a journey. What was important, though, was that J had the words to express what he was feeling. He was now able to begin to process where that anger and jealousy was truly coming from. There have been times since when J would draw a picture and say, "If I grew in your belly, Mom, I wouldn't be so good at this drawing stuff. Right?" He was seeing for himself that God gave him these gifts and that was only possible by growing in Mama E's belly. It's been so empowering for him! 

And then this summer happened. The summer of 2019 has been one of deep friendship building for J and G. They still bicker and there are still fights to break up but it is no where near what it used to be. Instead, I've found myself often staring at the boys playing and been in awe of what God is doing. J's healing journey has spilled over into seeing his brother differently. He's no longer threatened by G's existence because he's more secure in himself and his story. You guys, the boys even requested to sleep in G's bed together the other night. Tim and I snuck upstairs before we headed to bed to see if they were still together and we stared with misty eyes at this:

This is a picture of pure hope.

Hope that J can overcome this mountain of insecurity in his life.
Hope that my little boys who will grow into men can have a long lasting friendship.
Hope that God still sees and cares about the details of our lives.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Being a Boymom & My Daughter

I thought that I was destined to be a boymom.

I used to have bike races and dig in the dirt with the neighborhood boys and all through school most of my closest friends were boys. They were easy to get along with and didn't have all the complexities of what many female friendships often brought. They accepted me for me, cause let's be honest - I can be quirky.

I've also always been a daddy's girl. We'd shoot hoops, work on landscape sites together, pretend we were in the WWE (I claimed Sting, while he claimed Hulk Hogan), and watch OSU beat Michigan year after year. I guess, I was what some would call a tomboy. 

Females were intimidating to me and many times I felt unaccepted by them. So, being a boymom felt comfortable. It's what I knew and what came easy to me. 

But then, she entered my world in late June. 

A girl means periods and prom dresses and boobs and body image and wedding dresses and hormones...all things that I stumbled through, at best. Can you tell that I was nervous!? Overjoyed, yes. But, nervous too.

However, this adorable and squishy girl has decided that I'm her favorite person. Me? She's only three months old, but nonetheless I am her favorite. I never would have imagined that I'd have a mama's girl on my hands. It is such a welcomed and sweet surprise! 

She gives me these whole body smiles and I continually feel lucky that I have a daughter. God knew I would have her as my daughter and when she looks at me for what a woman is, I hope she finds a woman who is confident in being imperfect and at ease in Jesus. I pray that she finds her value in Him and that she sees her beauty in being kind. 

And I realize she'll most likely turn into a daddy's girl. For now, though, I'm soaking her up! 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Waiting & Learning to be Still

When I'm particularly anxious, it drives me to keep busy. I want to avoid the situation causing the stress with movement and busyness. The last couple of weeks have been filled with anxiousness as we await the newest addition to our family. When the kids are awake, I'm hustling them to parks, play dates, and running errands. When they are down for a nap, I'm busy with everything and anything in the house - folding laundry (and actually putting it away because it's time consuming), doing dishes, vacuuming, and picking up toys.

When all of the chores are done and I actually sit still, I find myself wanting an escape from my thoughts. Sleep has become difficult. I'm distracting myself with mindless phone games, television, and pinning decor ideas on Pinterest until my thoughts are numb enough to fall asleep. I go to yoga once a week to "relax" but last week I literally had to walk out in the middle of it because my stomach was in knots.

It's hard for me to admit, because I've personally experienced God's faithfulness countless times especially with the adoption of Jacob. Yet, here I am struggling to trust Him. Today the chores waited while the boys napped, because the busyness has left me empty. What I was trying to distract myself from isn't getting any easier. I'm now desperate to be still with the God who has it all in His hands. I opened my devotional and this prayer really challenged me:

"Help me to trust you, because you are worthy to be trusted. You alone give good gifts. In faith I will rest in you for my future and the future of my family." - Adopted for Daily Life

I want to rest in Him. I want to rest in knowing that He knows the details and in His perfect timing. But geesh! Right now it's a daily hourly battle. Today I got vulnerable with Him and through tears begged God to anoint us with peace as we walk in this vastly unknown situation.

Will you join us in praying? We've been blessed to have so many of you walk alongside us and ask how things are going or if there are updates. To be honest, we are simply waiting and there is little known to us. We'd love your prayers for health of the baby and mama, peace for us, and wisdom for the doctors and nurses who will be involved.

Brown Eyes & Blue Eyes

We were cuddling in his bed when he looked me and said, "Mommy, you have blue eyes." I was a little taken aback because he's never noticed before but I responded by saying, "Yes, I do. What color are your eyes?" Without missing a beat, he exclaimed, "Blue!"

To be honest, my heart ached for a moment. I gently corrected him by saying, "Nope, you have brown eyes. I love your brown eyes!" That was the end of the conversation and I thought maybe it was a one time thing. You know, just something he noticed and he could move on from.

However, the next day as I was making dinner and the whole family was hanging out in the kitchen, he randomly said, "Griffin has blue eyes. Daddy has blue eyes. Mommy has blue eyes. But I have brown eyes." I looked at Tim and saw tears welling up. The only thing I could come up with in the moment was, "Yes, you're right. But do you know who else in our family has brown eyes?" He didn't know and so I rattled off all the family members that have brown eyes too. This seemed to appease his curiosity but I am still here two weeks later wondering if I handled it correctly.

You see, it's starting. The questions. The noticing of differences. What I want him to know is that without his brown eyes, he wouldn't be him. If he grew in my womb, he wouldn't be Jacob. I love him and his brown eyes. His tan skin (admittedly I'm jealous of this). His huge smile. His extroverted personality. His determination. His gusto for life.

Although he'll never hear the words "You look like your dad", my heart yearns for him to feel comfortable in his skin and in our family despite that. Because we know full well, biology does not make a family. God makes families.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +