The Unknown Birth Father

The unknown birth father - he's all too common. Honestly, when we first adopted I didn't see any issue with it. I was ignorant of the deep seated need that is in each of us to know who we are and who we came from. Many of us are aware of the importance of the birth mother and the undeniable bond a baby makes to their mother in the womb. But a part of the genetic make up of each of us is our father.

It's not uncommon for a child to begin asking questions about their birth father, assuming the adoptive parents have been communicating openly about adoption.

Where is my birth dad? 

What's his name?

Do I look like him?

Can I meet him?

Why not?

When the birth father is unknown and the child (rightfully so) doesn't accept the "we don't know" answer, there are quite a few avenues you can use to get answers. The sooner you can start finding answers for your child, the better.

Ask more questions.
Once a relationship is well established with the birth mother, it's wise to start asking questions about the birth father in a respectful way. An adoptive parent can approach her by explaining that they are trying to find answers for the child and any information she can give would be helpful. Allow her to share what she knows - First name? Address? Ethnicity? If she is reserved in sharing details, respect that. She may open up more later, but the important thing is just to open the communication regarding the birth father.

DNA test any potentials.
If she does name a potential birth father and has his contact information then it's important to DNA test him. We've had great experiences with TestMeDNA. They allow for the cheek swab kits to be sent to two different addresses and once they are sent back in, the results come through email quickly.

Hire a private detective.
If you are unable to get a name, but have his last known location then you can hire a private detective. Google is your friend here! Search "private detective near me" and it will list out those near you. However, if the last known location of the birth father is not near you then the search would be "private detective in {city, state}". Many of the detectives will have reviews and will offer a free estimate for how much it will cost for what you need.

Submit DNA.
Honestly, I think submitting DNA for any adopted child is wise. As far as the birth father goes, this is also another avenue that an adoptive parent can use to get answers. For instance, if the birth mother is hesitant with details or if you do not have an established relationship with her then this is a great way to still find out information. There are many options like 23andMe, LivingDNA, and AncestryDNA. The test is a simple cheek swab that will allow them to discover so many details about the child. Each site has it's own database of others who have submitted their DNA so there can be matches with relatives. If there isn't a match with a birth father right away, it's okay because there may be a match years down the road.

The important part about taking the steps to find an unknown birth father is that he plays a vital role in who your child is. Do what you can as soon as you can for the sake of your child, so that they don't have to do all this searching when they are an adult.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Tips for an Open Adoption

Rose and Jacob became a CAC family right around Thanksgiving last year. However, this isn't their first time pursuing adoption. Their son, Tommy, joined their family through adoption back in 2017. If you’d like to learn more about their first adoption journey, you can visit the Our Adoption Story section of her blog. As their consultant, I quickly learned that they not only had a heart for open adoption but were actively in an open adoption relationship with Tommy's birth family. I think it's important for hopeful adoptive parents to hear different experiences other adoptive parents have with open adoption, which is why I asked Rose to write a guest blog. Here's their experience:

For the first year, we saw members of Tommy’s birth family at least once a month. For a number of reasons, we had all of these visits at our house. This is not the norm for open adoption, and again, is not something you should do unless you’re 100% comfortable with it. I’m very grateful that they were willing to travel to see us so often when Tommy was really little. Having visits in our home allowed us to plan them around Tommy’s schedule and made it so much easier for feedings, changing diapers, and naps.

Since then, we’ve continued to have visits every one to two months. We’ve been able to go to a couple of birth family member’s homes and started having more visits elsewhere, too. As Tommy gets older, it’s easier to meet at a park or restaurant. As he continues to get involved in more activities, I know that future visits will revolve around events like baseball games and piano recitals as well. We also make it a point to get together around Christmas, and Tommy’s birth family was able to attend Tommy’s first and second birthday parties at our house.

I’m sure that it sounds cheesy and even unreal but having an open relationship with Tommy’s birth family is like having a second family. Tommy is so fortunate to have more extended family who love him and want to spend time with and celebrate his milestones. His birth family have been some of the most thoughtful people in my life these last couple of years, going out of their way to send texts, pictures, cards, and gifts, even to me and my husband. I’ve spent as much time as, if not more time with, a lot of Tommy’s birth relatives as I have with my own family.

With that being said, adoption is still complicated and comes with layers that don’t exist with biological children. We’re also still very early in our experience with open adoption. We have always talked with Tommy about adoption. Especially given the fact that he sees his birth family so often, I truly believe that he already knows he’s adopted. But he isn’t old enough yet to start talking about or asking questions about adoption.

We’re doing our best to lay a solid groundwork and cultivate a relationship in which he can come to us to talk about adoption. Inevitably, there will still be hurdles along the way. But I couldn’t be more grateful that this is our adoption story and that it includes such a high level of openness. We are so thankful for Tommy’s birth family and their love and support. 

Always be yourself. A birth family doesn’t choose an adoptive family because they think they’re perfect. There’s no need to clean your house from top to bottom or obsess over your outfit choices every time you get together with birth family. Don’t feel like you can only show “perfect” moments in updates as well. People love to see blurry cell phone shots and candid video of those little moments.

Honor your commitments. When you say you’re going to send monthly updates on a certain day of the month, stick to the schedule. When you schedule Skype calls or in-person visits, follow through with the plans. It’s completely understandable to re-schedule or cancel once in a while. But don’t make it a regular habit.

Be respectful of their emotions. It blows my mind that people ask me all the time if it’s hard for me seeing Tommy spend time with his birth family. It will always be so many times harder for them than it is for me. Birth families may not always feel up for calling or visiting or even reading updates. That’s totally fine. Give them the space they need. It’s also important to remember that some of your happiest days, such as Christmas and your child’s birthday, may be some of their toughest days.

Be respectful of each other’s privacy. Establish expectations for sharing photos, videos, and other content about one another, particularly on social media. This respect goes both ways. I don’t share names and photos of Tommy’s birth family publicly. I also expect them to share photos of Tommy publicly with care.

Remember the birth family on birthdays, holidays, and other major occasions. Taking the time to send a text or email or put a card or small gift in the mail goes a long way toward showing birth family you’re thinking about them.

Establish and maintain a strong adoptive family community for support. The majority of my family and friends don’t understand what it’s like to have an open adoption. At all. Having a close group of adoptive mamas I can talk to about all things adoption has been priceless.

Further reading on open adoption from Rose's blog:

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas for Birth Moms

10 Myths About Open Adoption Debunked

 Building a Birth Family Relationship

 What to Include in Monthly Updates for Birth Families

10 Ways to Let Birth Parents Know You Appreciate Them

Our Journey to Open Adoption

It can be intimidating for hopeful adoptive parents to see photos of families who have an open adoption with the biological family. It is often assumed that the open adoption started from the beginning. At least for our family, though, it did not.

Open adoption has been a journey for us - with ebbs and flows. When J first came to us there were a lot of unknowns for months. Not only that, but his biological mother was unable due to circumstances to have visitations for nearly a year. I would describe that year of one with a lot of bumps, not because of us or them, but because of the system itself.

The first time J's biological mother and I were actually able to speak to one another was in a meeting room at the court house. We did our best to make small talk while being surrounded by professionals watching us. One of the biggest attributes to this journey of open adoption was that we all had a mutual respect for one another. Tim and I did our best to always make sure she knew we respected her as J's mom and as a fellow human being. We sensed often that she also respected us as foster parents and genuinely appreciated how well we were doing in taking care of her son.

Although rare, in the midst of her frustration with the system, there were times that the frustration poured over on to us. I was reminded by friends and family that even though it felt personal, it wasn't. She was dealing with circumstances that I cannot even begin to imagine. She was fighting for her baby. She was in crisis. When I remembered this, it became easier to extend grace and move past it.

Once J's adoption was finalized, something shifted for all of us because our relationship was not dictated by the foster care system. We were able to meet up without professionals watching us and whenever it was convenient for all of us. Instead of meeting up in the court house or in an agency office, we started meeting up at McDonald's and parks. It made a world of difference! We were no longer "holding our breath" and she was no longer in "fight or flight" mode. We started slowly getting to know each other as human beings who both loved a boy named J.

Over the next five years, our relationship continued to grow as typical relationships do. As trust was built on both sides, more openness followed. We went from swapping numbers to meet up at McDonald's to becoming Facebook friends to inviting them to birthday parties to opening up our living room for Christmas. We all took it at our own pace and within boundaries that we were comfortable with in each season that life brought.

We certainly weren't the only ones who extended grace, though! J's birth mother extended incredible grace by choosing us to not only adopt her second baby, but also allowing us to be at the ultrasound appointment and in the delivery room. We didn't deserve or have the right to be there, but were so honored that she chose us and allowed us to experience those moments with her.

It has now been seven years since we first met in a court room. The typical rhythm for our open adoption is that meet up every few months (and it often involves pizza topped with pineapple cause we've found we all love it). There is laughing and playing and lots of hugging. We update each other on things going on in our lives. Not just shooting the breeze but real things like new jobs, health changes, and future plans.

At the end of the day, open adoption isn't about me or even her. It's about our kids. I can tell them until I'm blue in the face that their birth mother loves them, but for our kids to experience that love for themselves is invaluable. And from the way I see it, the more people to love them unconditionally the better!

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

The "Scary" Birth Family

It was my first time in a courtroom setting and when the judge asked for everyone to introduce themselves I said, "Meg". 

He asked, "Meg what?" 

"Oh, um, Weston."  

"And why are you here?" 

The caseworker nudged me and whispered, "Say you're the foster mom..."

"Sir, I'm the foster mom."

Thankfully that moment passed, but then I was overwhelmed by the presence of J's biological mother directly across from me while I was holding her baby. Once my nerves settled some, I got the courage up to look in her direction and to my surprise with tears in her eyes she lipped, “Thank you.” My walls of fear went tumbling down and I began to try to get J to smile for her. For a moment, she was able to enjoy her baby even though she couldn’t touch him.

The second court date, we were able to meet two other members of the family. They immediately came up to us in the waiting room as they recognized him. We formally introduced ourselves and his biological grandmother sat next to me while I held him. It was very awkward at first because I wasn’t sure if I could let them hold him and didn’t want to do it without the caseworker there. They seemed to sense this awkward moment too, because they didn’t ask to hold him either. It's something I am embarrassed to think about now. I should have let them hold him, but my fears were running a mile a minute which was unreasonable. 

After court, the caseworker asked if we’d be comfortable with them holding J. We agreed and so the caseworker asked if they would like to hold him. Their eyes lit up! They both were able to hold and kiss him. I remember wishing cameras were allowed in court houses. It was a beautiful moment to see J being loved on by his biological family. They gave him back to us and said thank you for taking care of him so well. J’s grandmother then leaned over and gave me a huge hug. It will go down as one of the best hugs I’ve ever received. She boldly broke a barrier and immediately made us on the same team for him, which is how it should be.

The next court date, they were there again. This time it was less awkward and more like friends. J's grandmother and aunt both said time and time again that they were in full support of him staying with us. His grandmother asked, “You would still be the ones to adopt him if it goes that way, right?” I reassured her by saying, “We are in love with him.” She smiled and said, “Good.” 

We talked about J’s development and they mentioned how they love the pictures of him on a private website we’ve set up. I was surprised, but they even requested that we add more pictures of us as a family and not just the ones of him by himself. They said they enjoyed seeing pictures of all of us together. Crazy, huh? The conversation then got deeper as the grandmother offered up that if we ever had any questions regarding family history or health issues that she would be more than happy to give us all the honest answers. She stated, “Anything. Really, I will tell you anything you want to know.” I asked a few questions there but hoped to ask more in the future as time went on and more trust was built up.

After court as we were leaving, his grandmother and aunt both gave me a hug. I stated, “It was good to see you again.” I wouldn’t believe 6 months before that that I would be there saying good to see you. It’s not that I had this expectation that they would be terrible people, but it was that I didn’t think we would have such a good relationship. I assumed it would be more distant. 

In our foster parent training, we viewed a film where there was scene of a birth family eating dinner at the family’s home. I thought it was a far stretch for that to ever happen when we were watching the film. However, I am honored to say that it's our reality.

I've heard many talk about a birth family as if they are a hindrance or inconvenience in the process, but I've learned that this attitude is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, we miss them when they aren't able to make it to birthday parties, we plan Christmas get-togethers, and genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They cheer us on and we cheer them on. We've straight up become family. I don't explain this as a "look how great we are", but rather to open the minds of those who think about adoption only to shy away from it due to openness. Instead, I hope this sheds some light on open adoption as something that can be beautiful and authentic. 

Together we are motherhood.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

What is a Profile?

A family profile is a 20+ page booklet that a hopeful adoptive family gives to a prospective birth parent(s) who is making an adoption plan. It gives a glimpse into who you are (as a couple/individually) in addition to the children you may have, your extended family, pets you may have, and the home/community you live in.

Back in 2013, we had our adoption consultant (who also happens to be my sister-in-love) create one for us to give to J's birth mother. Although he was in foster care, we wanted her to know who we were. I mean, would you trust someone to care for your baby if you knew nothing about them? We were overwhelmed thinking about getting the wording right and wondering what all to include, which is an area where having an adoption consultant is valuable! We simply filled out a questionnaire, sent photographs, and told her the type of design we liked. About 2 weeks later, she sent us the final product to print!

A page from our profile

When I became an adoption consultant, I knew that profile creation would be a weakness of mine. I can assess risk, complete agency paperwork, answer adoption questions, encourage hopeful adoptive parents, and stay organized like a boss but when it comes to creativity - I struggle. So what's a girl to do? Hire an expert! 

Libby with her beautiful family

When I asked Libby if she would be interested in creating profiles for my families, her immediate answer was yes! I'm so blessed to have her as my profile creator because she specializes in photography and graphic design. She's been creating profiles for hopeful adoptive families for nearly 3 years. She carefully and thoughtfully designs each profile. Her goal with each one is for the family’s unique personalities to shine through which gives expectant mothers a glimpse into their life. And what's extra special about Libby is that she prays over each family as she creates their profile. Here are just a few examples of her incredible work:

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Excuses

Tim and I have heard a million excuses of why people don't do foster care or adopt or become a safe family when they find out about our family story. Don't get us wrong, we also went through these same excuses when we started our journey. One fact always seemed to trump all of our excuses - the kids are worth it.

1. If they were taken away from me, it would hurt me too much.

This is a valid point. It will hurt. However, if you are truly called into foster care/adoption/safe families, it isn't about you and your feelings. It's about the children who have been through hell and need a refuge. It's about being a safe place. It's about showing children love, real unconditional love. Every minute you spend with them will make a huge difference not only in their life right now, but in their life to come.

2. I couldn't handle visitations or interacting with the birth parent(s).

Again, Tim and I thought the same thing at first but God has humbled us. You realize that {most} all parents, no matter what mistakes they have made, love their children. I mean if my life would have been slightly different, I wouldn't be that far from them. What if I grew up in foster care? What if all I did was witness abuse of my older siblings as a child? What if I was abused? Many times, the things that cause children to be in foster care is a cycle in the family. It's a learned behavior and we are blessed that we never had to learn it. By no means am I giving excuses for their actions, but to demonize the entire person is wrong.

3. There are so many risks and unknowns.

This is completely true. In foster care and safe families, the child will come to you and all you might know is their age, gender, name, and a vague reason of why they are coming to you. That's it. To be honest, this was all we knew for about the first month with J. It's okay, though; we survived. We focused on simply caring for the needs of this sweet baby. That's why we got into this for anyway, right? To take care of children who needed a nurturing home for an unknown amount of time. In adoption, you will get a snippet of the situation as a whole before you make a decision to present. I know it can be scary to think of a baby being born exposed or with a history of mental illness, because it is a risk. Here's the thing about these risks, though, you have to account for the power of God and modern medicine. 

I'm begging you. If you feel called to be a foster parent or adoptive parent or safe family, do it. Take action. There are so many children who need you. As a matter of fact, we were only licensed for 10 days and were placed. The need is so great and these children are more than worth your time and love.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Youngest (Part 3 of 3)

G was napping while J and I finished up lunch. My phone got a text notification so I gazed at it shortly to see who it was from. It was from J's biological grandmother so I picked it up to see what it said. "Would you and Tim be open to adopting again?" I stared at it for a while puzzled and then replied, "Yes, we've talked about it." After a number of texts back-n-forth, tears started streaming down my face. J asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?"

Nothing was wrong. Instead, I had learned on that mundane day that we might be becoming a family of 5. There were conversations that needed to happen first, though. I called Tim and told him the information I knew. He was on board immediately! After that, I called Tim's sister who also happens to be an adoption consultant to see what our next steps were. We'd been through an adoption before, but that was through foster care. Adoption through a private match is a completely different world.

• Find an agency 
• Pay for and complete a home study
• Fundraise
• Apply for grants
• Find a lawyer
• Annnnnnd wait. 

The due date came and went, which was all too familiar. However, this time it wasn't my body. I couldn't schedule to be induced because it's her body and her choice. After a couple weeks past the due date, Mama E decided it was time. She gave us the time that she would be induced and graciously invited us to be there. It was evening which then turned into night time. We wanted to give her privacy but also didn't want to miss the birth so we stayed in the waiting room nearby. 

Night turned into those early morning hours and still no baby. Mama E was exhausted from laboring all night and trying to push for about an hour. Around 6 A.M. we were told by staff to go get some breakfast as they were giving her a little more time to rest before she'd start pushing again.

We found a vending machine and ate some granola bars while staring off in silence. Tim is the calm one of us but he was clearly struggling with the intensity of the situation. We quite literally had no control and had to fully trust in God like never before. We rested in those few quiet moments and then decided to head back up. 

As we approached Mama E's room, she made eye contact with us. She gleefully asked, "Did you see HER yet!?! She's down in the nursery!" We hadn't know the gender of the baby because the ultrasounds were not clear enough. So when my husband heard it was a girl he was so overcome with joy that tears soaked his cheeks. He had longed for a daughter. It was more then just "a daughter would be nice", but truly something I believe God planted in his heart. 

We were escorted to the nursery and there was E screaming her sweet little head off. We each took one of her hands and she wrapped her tiny fingers around ours. I gently whispered in a rhythmic way, "Shh..Shh..Shh" over and over until she finally settled (and to this day, that "shh...shh..shh" still soothes her). 

Mama E was transferred to the postpartum unit with E and she again graciously invited us to stay. She held E for awhile and then said, "Ok, it's your turn to hold your daughter!"

                       

All three of us relished in how adorable E was and took turns feeding, holding, and smiling at her. Evening was setting in and we made the decision to get a hotel for the night. This not only allowed for us to get some sleep after 24 hours of no sleep, but it also allowed Mama E and E some sacred time together. Was it hard? Absolutely. However, this one night away will never compare to how hard it was for Mama E to leave us with E the next morning.

This is where selflessness and bravery are on full display in Mama E. The next morning, she was discharged. She was wheeled out of the hospital with her eyes full of tears and her arms empty. In that moment, Tim and I had no words. What could we say? Thank you isn't enough. So all we could do was embrace her.

We stayed at the hospital with E for the rest of the day and she was discharged the following morning. We headed home to introduce her to two boys who were eagerly waiting for her arrival. Once we got home, the boys were magnets to her. Those few minutes were the best of my life - seeing how excited they both were and how J (who can talk your ear off) was speechless with a permanent smile on his face. Contentment filled my soul because I knew E made our family complete.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our First Dinner With His Birth Family

It had been a year of J being in foster care and we continued to build trust with J's biological grandma and aunt. We planned to meet up days before Christmas for dinner. We were anxious and didn’t know what to expect as we headed there. What will we talk about? What if J throws a fit? What if this is really awkward? We got there fifteen minutes early and expected to wait a little while, but as we walked in we were welcomed with waves and smiles. They had been there a half an hour early, which showed they were just as anxious as us and excited to see him. 

There was no talk of the weather, sports, or work; rather, there was meaningful conversation that flowed easily. I remember being amazed at how comfortable we were around them. It was the typical family eating together, as any outsider would observe. His grandma chased him around the restaurant, helped me change him into his pajamas, joked that his temper tantrums are a family trait, and brought a galore of gifts for him. His aunt was taking pictures, giggling at all his expressions, and gushing at how cute he was. 

We discussed the future and they, once again, reassured us that they wanted us to adopt him. We, in return, reassured them that we wanted to keep them in our life and made plans to meet up consistently. 

As we were leaving, we all hugged each other (plus we got kissed on the cheek by grandma). As his grandma was pulling away after a second hug, she said, “I love you guys!” To my surprise, without hesitation, I said, “We love you too!” And honestly, we really do. We are all family now, because of J. 

This dinner would be just the first of many to come. In fact, our relationship has evolved to the point that they've been to our home many times. They are invited to birthday parties and sit at the same table as our extended family. Has it been perfect? No. But what relationship is? There have been seasons where we've seen them every other month and seasons where it's longer in between. Not because of any animosity, but because life happens. On both sides, there is a mutual respect and love that we understand when plans need to be changed or cancelled. They've been so gracious to us over the years!
Many hopeful adoptive parents are guarded when it comes to open adoption. It's the assumption that the biological family with co-parent in a way and that they are obligated to meet up all the time. That is not the case, though. With boundaries that are respected by everyone, open adoption actually reminds me a lot of a relationship you might have with your in-laws. They are there to love on our children, celebrate the good times, and we support each other through tougher times. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +