The unknown birth father - he's all too common. Honestly, when we first adopted I didn't see any issue with it. I was ignorant of the deep seated need that is in each of us to know who we are and who we came from. Many of us are aware of the importance of the birth mother and the undeniable bond a baby makes to their mother in the womb. But a part of the genetic make up of each of us is our father.
It's not uncommon for a child to begin asking questions about their birth father, assuming the adoptive parents have been communicating openly about adoption.
Where is my birth dad?
What's his name?
Do I look like him?
Can I meet him?
Why not?
When the birth father is unknown and the child (rightfully so) doesn't accept the "we don't know" answer, there are quite a few avenues you can use to get answers. The sooner you can start finding answers for your child, the better.
Ask more questions.
Once a relationship is well established with the birth mother, it's wise to start asking questions about the birth father in a respectful way. An adoptive parent can approach her by explaining that they are trying to find answers for the child and any information she can give would be helpful. Allow her to share what she knows - First name? Address? Ethnicity? If she is reserved in sharing details, respect that. She may open up more later, but the important thing is just to open the communication regarding the birth father.
DNA test any potentials.
If she does name a potential birth father and has his contact information then it's important to DNA test him. We've had great experiences with TestMeDNA. They allow for the cheek swab kits to be sent to two different addresses and once they are sent back in, the results come through email quickly.
Hire a private detective.
If you are unable to get a name, but have his last known location then you can hire a private detective. Google is your friend here! Search "private detective near me" and it will list out those near you. However, if the last known location of the birth father is not near you then the search would be "private detective in {city, state}". Many of the detectives will have reviews and will offer a free estimate for how much it will cost for what you need.
Submit DNA.
Honestly, I think submitting DNA for any adopted child is wise. As far as the birth father goes, this is also another avenue that an adoptive parent can use to get answers. For instance, if the birth mother is hesitant with details or if you do not have an established relationship with her then this is a great way to still find out information. There are many options like 23andMe, LivingDNA, and AncestryDNA. The test is a simple cheek swab that will allow them to discover so many details about the child. Each site has it's own database of others who have submitted their DNA so there can be matches with relatives. If there isn't a match with a birth father right away, it's okay because there may be a match years down the road.
The important part about taking the steps to find an unknown birth father is that he plays a vital role in who your child is. Do what you can as soon as you can for the sake of your child, so that they don't have to do all this searching when they are an adult.
Ask more questions.
Once a relationship is well established with the birth mother, it's wise to start asking questions about the birth father in a respectful way. An adoptive parent can approach her by explaining that they are trying to find answers for the child and any information she can give would be helpful. Allow her to share what she knows - First name? Address? Ethnicity? If she is reserved in sharing details, respect that. She may open up more later, but the important thing is just to open the communication regarding the birth father.
DNA test any potentials.
If she does name a potential birth father and has his contact information then it's important to DNA test him. We've had great experiences with TestMeDNA. They allow for the cheek swab kits to be sent to two different addresses and once they are sent back in, the results come through email quickly.
Hire a private detective.
If you are unable to get a name, but have his last known location then you can hire a private detective. Google is your friend here! Search "private detective near me" and it will list out those near you. However, if the last known location of the birth father is not near you then the search would be "private detective in {city, state}". Many of the detectives will have reviews and will offer a free estimate for how much it will cost for what you need.
Submit DNA.
Honestly, I think submitting DNA for any adopted child is wise. As far as the birth father goes, this is also another avenue that an adoptive parent can use to get answers. For instance, if the birth mother is hesitant with details or if you do not have an established relationship with her then this is a great way to still find out information. There are many options like 23andMe, LivingDNA, and AncestryDNA. The test is a simple cheek swab that will allow them to discover so many details about the child. Each site has it's own database of others who have submitted their DNA so there can be matches with relatives. If there isn't a match with a birth father right away, it's okay because there may be a match years down the road.
The important part about taking the steps to find an unknown birth father is that he plays a vital role in who your child is. Do what you can as soon as you can for the sake of your child, so that they don't have to do all this searching when they are an adult.
+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +