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Friday, January 17, 2020

Tips for an Open Adoption


Rose and Jacob became a CAC family right around Thanksgiving last year. However, this isn't their first time pursuing adoption. Their son, Tommy, joined their family through adoption back in 2017. If you’d like to learn more about their first adoption journey, you can visit the Our Adoption Story section of her blog. As their consultant, I quickly learned that they not only had a heart for open adoption but were actively in an open adoption relationship with Tommy's birth family. I think it's important for hopeful adoptive parents to hear different experiences other adoptive parents have with open adoption, which is why I asked Rose to write a guest blog. Here's their experience:

For the first year, we saw members of Tommy’s birth family at least once a month. For a number of reasons, we had all of these visits at our house. This is not the norm for open adoption, and again, is not something you should do unless you’re 100% comfortable with it. I’m very grateful that they were willing to travel to see us so often when Tommy was really little. Having visits in our home allowed us to plan them around Tommy’s schedule and made it so much easier for feedings, changing diapers, and naps.

Since then, we’ve continued to have visits every one to two months. We’ve been able to go to a couple of birth family member’s homes and started having more visits elsewhere, too. As Tommy gets older, it’s easier to meet at a park or restaurant. As he continues to get involved in more activities, I know that future visits will revolve around events like baseball games and piano recitals as well. We also make it a point to get together around Christmas, and Tommy’s birth family was able to attend Tommy’s first and second birthday parties at our house.

I’m sure that it sounds cheesy and even unreal but having an open relationship with Tommy’s birth family is like having a second family. Tommy is so fortunate to have more extended family who love him and want to spend time with and celebrate his milestones. His birth family have been some of the most thoughtful people in my life these last couple of years, going out of their way to send texts, pictures, cards, and gifts, even to me and my husband. I’ve spent as much time as, if not more time with, a lot of Tommy’s birth relatives as I have with my own family.

With that being said, adoption is still complicated and comes with layers that don’t exist with biological children. We’re also still very early in our experience with open adoption. We have always talked with Tommy about adoption. Especially given the fact that he sees his birth family so often, I truly believe that he already knows he’s adopted. But he isn’t old enough yet to start talking about or asking questions about adoption.

We’re doing our best to lay a solid groundwork and cultivate a relationship in which he can come to us to talk about adoption. Inevitably, there will still be hurdles along the way. But I couldn’t be more grateful that this is our adoption story and that it includes such a high level of openness. We are so thankful for Tommy’s birth family and their love and support. 
Always be yourself. A birth family doesn’t choose an adoptive family because they think they’re perfect. There’s no need to clean your house from top to bottom or obsess over your outfit choices every time you get together with birth family. Don’t feel like you can only show “perfect” moments in updates as well. People love to see blurry cell phone shots and candid video of those little moments.

Honor your commitments. When you say you’re going to send monthly updates on a certain day of the month, stick to the schedule. When you schedule Skype calls or in-person visits, follow through with the plans. It’s completely understandable to re-schedule or cancel once in a while. But don’t make it a regular habit.

Be respectful of their emotions. It blows my mind that people ask me all the time if it’s hard for me seeing Tommy spend time with his birth family. It will always be so many times harder for them than it is for me. Birth families may not always feel up for calling or visiting or even reading updates. That’s totally fine. Give them the space they need. It’s also important to remember that some of your happiest days, such as Christmas and your child’s birthday, may be some of their toughest days.

Be respectful of each other’s privacy. Establish expectations for sharing photos, videos, and other content about one another, particularly on social media. This respect goes both ways. I don’t share names and photos of Tommy’s birth family publicly. I also expect them to share photos of Tommy publicly with care.

Remember the birth family on birthdays, holidays, and other major occasions. Taking the time to send a text or email or put a card or small gift in the mail goes a long way toward showing birth family you’re thinking about them.

Establish and maintain a strong adoptive family community for support. The majority of my family and friends don’t understand what it’s like to have an open adoption. At all. Having a close group of adoptive mamas I can talk to about all things adoption has been priceless.


Further reading on open adoption from Rose's blog: