Children's Books We Love

When it came to finding books that were representative of our family, my eye first went to books based on adoption. However, I quickly learned that those left me disappointed. They either didn't use positive adoption language (for example:"gave up for adoption") or only showed families that looked alike. I was then on the hunt for books that weren't only geared toward adoption, but were simply geared on showing different types of families/people/emotions. With that being said, here are the top 5 children's books we love in our home:

1. We Are Family

We particularly love this book because it shows so many multi-racial families. My absolute favorite line is "We handle things together, we feel each other's pain. Family is the silver lining, the sunshine after the rain."

2.  We're Different, We're the Same

This book is great because it celebrates our differences through our mouths, hair, and eyes. On the flip side it also walks through how we are the same, which is important too. My favorite line is "We're the same. We're different. That's what makes the world such fun. Many kinds of people, not just one!"

3. As Real As It Gets

This is the only adoption focused book we have on our kids' bookshelf. When I found it at an adoptive parent conference, I about cried looking through it. Our oldest son was going through a stage where he was finding power in hurtful words, particularly about him not being my biological son. This book's words are spot on and the illustrations are phenomenal at portraying the emotion of the child. My favorite line is when the mother responds, "I'm as real as it gets and I'm not giving up. I'm your mother in truth. Your mother. Forever."

4. Families, Families, Families! 

This is a really fun book that goes through different types of families. A few examples are some kids live with an aunt, some children's parents are married, and some children are adopted. It literally walks through about every combination of family you can think of! My favorite line is: "...one stepsis, three stepbros, two stepmoms, and a prize-winning rose, a robot butler to serve you tea, the world's biggest grandpa, or whatever it might be. If you love each other, then you are a family."

5.  I Love You So...

This is a great book for toddlers and preschoolers. It describes a parent's love in multiple ways and even goes into how a parent still loves a child even when they've "broken the rules or made a big mess".  My favorite part in the book is at the very end, "I can't imagine life before you came along. You are the music to my dance and my song. I am meant for you, and you are meant for me, the one I love forevermore. Undeniably." 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Oldest (Part 1 of 3)

It was a typical winter day. There was a dusting of snow on the ground and we were out running errands. We were on our way home when Tim's phone rang with an unfamiliar number. When Tim answered, his face immediately changed. I could see him processing some very shocking information, but I didn't know what it was. He finally said, "A 3 month old baby boy?" I knew right then that this was it. Ten days earlier we had received our foster care license and it was actually happening in that moment. Tim asked the caller for a moment to discuss the details with me, put his hand over the phone, and looked at me wide-eyed. He stated, "They have a 3-month-old baby boy and they are on their way to our home if we accept." We had always wondered how easy or difficult it would be to pull the trigger and accept our first placement. Without even thinking, I replied, "Of course! Yes, oh my gosh. This is happening, Tim!" All Tim could do was smile and relay our answer. 

We rushed home and Tim sprinted to the garage to gather all the items we had stocked up for a baby. (Funny fact: He was running so fast that he ended up needing a puff of his inhaler!) While he was doing that, I sorted all the items and called my sister to ask, “What do 3 month old babies do? Do they eat food? Do they play with toys?” She chuckled and said, “Nope, they basically still do everything a newborn does. Sleep, eat, and poop.” 

Our home was a mess with all the chaos of trying to organize our items and then trying to figure out what we still needed. We decided to wait until the baby arrived before one of us would go shopping for the other things we knew he’d need. We sat at our dining room table and stared out the window. I can take myself back so easily to the feelings of anticipation and excitement while sitting there waiting for the car to come. Tim and I didn’t do much talking, but when we did it was: 

“Can you believe this is happening?”

“I wonder what he looks like.”

Then suddenly the car pulled in our driveway. Tim went out and helped carry J in. He was sound asleep in the car seat so Tim placed the car seat on the couch. Tim took off the blanket that was over top and there he was—a beautiful baby boy with more hair than Tim could ever dream of! It was love at first sight. The paperwork was filled out and we were given the court date, then the caseworker left.

Tim took J over to the Christmas tree and his eyes lit up! Tim started crying and in front of the Christmas tree we fell to our knees, embraced with J in the middle of us, and wept tears of joy and sorrow. Joy because it now made sense why we felt called into foster care. It was for him. All of the classes, applications, paperwork, interviews, phone calls, tough conversations, and prayers were for J. I remember in that moment saying, “He is the reason. He is it.” In the midst of the joy, though, there was sorrow. Sorrow for what he so obviously endured. 

Soon after, J was clearly getting hungry. I remember feeding him that first bottle. As he guzzled it down, he stared directly in my eyes and I stared directly back at him—this was the moment that I became a mother.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our First Dinner With His Birth Family

It had been a year of J being in foster care and we continued to build trust with J's biological grandma and aunt. We planned to meet up days before Christmas for dinner. We were anxious and didn’t know what to expect as we headed there. What will we talk about? What if J throws a fit? What if this is really awkward? We got there fifteen minutes early and expected to wait a little while, but as we walked in we were welcomed with waves and smiles. They had been there a half an hour early, which showed they were just as anxious as us and excited to see him. 

There was no talk of the weather, sports, or work; rather, there was meaningful conversation that flowed easily. I remember being amazed at how comfortable we were around them. It was the typical family eating together, as any outsider would observe. His grandma chased him around the restaurant, helped me change him into his pajamas, joked that his temper tantrums are a family trait, and brought a galore of gifts for him. His aunt was taking pictures, giggling at all his expressions, and gushing at how cute he was. 

We discussed the future and they, once again, reassured us that they wanted us to adopt him. We, in return, reassured them that we wanted to keep them in our life and made plans to meet up consistently. 

As we were leaving, we all hugged each other (plus we got kissed on the cheek by grandma). As his grandma was pulling away after a second hug, she said, “I love you guys!” To my surprise, without hesitation, I said, “We love you too!” And honestly, we really do. We are all family now, because of J. 

This dinner would be just the first of many to come. In fact, our relationship has evolved to the point that they've been to our home many times. They are invited to birthday parties and sit at the same table as our extended family. Has it been perfect? No. But what relationship is? There have been seasons where we've seen them every other month and seasons where it's longer in between. Not because of any animosity, but because life happens. On both sides, there is a mutual respect and love that we understand when plans need to be changed or cancelled. They've been so gracious to us over the years!
Many hopeful adoptive parents are guarded when it comes to open adoption. It's the assumption that the biological family with co-parent in a way and that they are obligated to meet up all the time. That is not the case, though. With boundaries that are respected by everyone, open adoption actually reminds me a lot of a relationship you might have with your in-laws. They are there to love on our children, celebrate the good times, and we support each other through tougher times. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Mommy, why didn't I grow in your belly?

It was a rough day. There was bickering between my boys almost constantly. Breaking up fights was becoming all too common and I was at my wits end. It was probably the 50th time of asking J to stop pestering G which earned him a spot on the steps. I felt tears welling up and asking myself, "Is their relationship always going to be like this?" 

After a few minutes, I sat next to J on the steps and asked him the typical why did he think he was in time-out. He looked down and shrugged his shoulders. I knew something deeper had to be going on. Sibling rivalry is normal to an extent, but this was extreme. It's been so extreme that I've consulted professionals about it and one mentioned that J could be experiencing some jealousy that he didn't grow in my belly like G did. Wait, what? No. I mean, J should know that I love him no differently. He sees that, right? But in this moment on the steps, I decided to attempt to put words to the feelings he might be having. As he sat there, I asked him, "Hey buddy, do you some times feel sad or mad that G grew in my belly?" 

Tears came from his eyes immediately. He melted as if I hit the nail on the head to something he didn't know how to express himself. I brought him in close to me and we cried together. After a few moments, he said, "Mommy, why didn't I grow in your belly?" My response straight up came from God because I'm not great with words on the fly.

"J, if you grew in my belly you wouldn't be you. You wouldn't be so good at drawing. You wouldn't be able to run as fast as you do and be able to do all those flips. You wouldn't be blessed with that handsome tan skin and those beautiful brown eyes. You wouldn't have that big, bold smile. If you grew in my belly, you wouldn't be who God intended you to be. And I love who God created you to be." 

That conversation happened about a year ago and I'd like to say that all had been wonderful after that between the boys, but it was still a journey. What was important, though, was that J had the words to express what he was feeling. He was now able to begin to process where that anger and jealousy was truly coming from. There have been times since when J would draw a picture and say, "If I grew in your belly, Mom, I wouldn't be so good at this drawing stuff. Right?" He was seeing for himself that God gave him these gifts and that was only possible by growing in Mama E's belly. It's been so empowering for him! 

And then this summer happened. The summer of 2019 has been one of deep friendship building for J and G. They still bicker and there are still fights to break up but it is no where near what it used to be. Instead, I've found myself often staring at the boys playing and been in awe of what God is doing. J's healing journey has spilled over into seeing his brother differently. He's no longer threatened by G's existence because he's more secure in himself and his story. You guys, the boys even requested to sleep in G's bed together the other night. Tim and I snuck upstairs before we headed to bed to see if they were still together and we stared with misty eyes at this:

This is a picture of pure hope.

Hope that J can overcome this mountain of insecurity in his life.
Hope that my little boys who will grow into men can have a long lasting friendship.
Hope that God still sees and cares about the details of our lives.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Parenting is Hard & Sanctifying

"This won't be the last time that doctor appointments feel heavy and clinical terms seem overwhelming, but I promise you will never be alone in the struggle."

I wrote this nearly a year ago and little did I know how true that specific line would be. This last month has been hard. It's involved lots of different appointments, medication changes, and big emotions {from both of us}.

I think, as parents, we can get so wrapped up in our children's emotions that we forget to feel and process our own emotions. Legit, most of my days are "I see you're feeling _____" or "It's okay to be mad but it's not ok to do ______ when we're mad" or "Do you need a hug?" or "Can you try that again with kind words?" It takes a lot of effort to be the emotional regulator without losing your own emotion control all. day. long.

Sunday morning we had a particularly rough morning with J. His emotions were high and when his emotions are high his words get very hurtful {thank you, impulses}. I was at my wits end and just decided to get ready without responding. As I was doing my make-up, he walked up to me and asked, "Mommy, do you still love me?" Oh my heart. Immediately, I got down on his level and said, "Absolutely. Mommy can be mad and love you at the same time. My love doesn't ever go away." He smiled and went on his way playing.

That should have been the end of it, right? But it wasn't. The devil has a way of getting to me with parenting moments like this. I started having insecure thoughts like: Why does my son question my love for him? Should I be doing more?

On the way to church, I finally acknowledged my own emotions and the tears started flowing. If I'm honest, I've felt defeated and ill-equipped for a while. But God met me at church with a song:

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"

It's exactly what I needed in that moment. I needed to remember that I can rest in Him, because where I'm ill-equipped HE isn't.

I'd love to wrap this up with a pretty bow, but that wouldn't be truthful. We are still in therapy. We are still working on new parenting methods. We are still just putting one foot in front of the other with God as our guide.

Parenting is hard and sanctifying and humbling and beautiful.

Waiting & Learning to be Still

When I'm particularly anxious, it drives me to keep busy. I want to avoid the situation causing the stress with movement and busyness. The last couple of weeks have been filled with anxiousness as we await the newest addition to our family. When the kids are awake, I'm hustling them to parks, play dates, and running errands. When they are down for a nap, I'm busy with everything and anything in the house - folding laundry (and actually putting it away because it's time consuming), doing dishes, vacuuming, and picking up toys.

When all of the chores are done and I actually sit still, I find myself wanting an escape from my thoughts. Sleep has become difficult. I'm distracting myself with mindless phone games, television, and pinning decor ideas on Pinterest until my thoughts are numb enough to fall asleep. I go to yoga once a week to "relax" but last week I literally had to walk out in the middle of it because my stomach was in knots.

It's hard for me to admit, because I've personally experienced God's faithfulness countless times especially with the adoption of Jacob. Yet, here I am struggling to trust Him. Today the chores waited while the boys napped, because the busyness has left me empty. What I was trying to distract myself from isn't getting any easier. I'm now desperate to be still with the God who has it all in His hands. I opened my devotional and this prayer really challenged me:

"Help me to trust you, because you are worthy to be trusted. You alone give good gifts. In faith I will rest in you for my future and the future of my family." - Adopted for Daily Life

I want to rest in Him. I want to rest in knowing that He knows the details and in His perfect timing. But geesh! Right now it's a daily hourly battle. Today I got vulnerable with Him and through tears begged God to anoint us with peace as we walk in this vastly unknown situation.

Will you join us in praying? We've been blessed to have so many of you walk alongside us and ask how things are going or if there are updates. To be honest, we are simply waiting and there is little known to us. We'd love your prayers for health of the baby and mama, peace for us, and wisdom for the doctors and nurses who will be involved.

Why Mommy Cried & Your Potential

J,

The doctor explained, "He's a good boy. He has a good heart. He just has an impairment with impulse control and regulating emotions." I felt the tears well up in my eyes and allowed them to flow freely. He was saying exactly everything I knew to be true in my heart, yet felt weary of at the same time. You quickly came to my side after playing intently with the toys and asked, "Mommy, why are you crying?" I didn't have much of an answer in the moment but I want you to know it's because...

I hate to think of you struggling. I want life to be easy for you. I don't want cycles to continue in you. I can't control that as much as I wish I could, however I can tell you what I see when I look at you.

I see a boy with incredible potential. I see a boy who is smart, sensitive, happy, energetic, a leader, and passionate about EVERYTHING. My constant prayer is that you see that in yourself. That these diagnoses don't hinder you and that you believe you can be batman, a police officer, a firefighter, a daddy, and/or whatever you dream of next. Because, buddy, you truly can.

Today, though, Mommy has to sit in the grief of knowing I can't take it away for you. This won't be the last time that doctor appointments feel heavy and clinical terms seem overwhelming, but I promise you will never be alone in the struggle. Your father and I will walk alongside you as best we can, all while leaning on God to be our ultimate guide. Our goal is to give you treatment options, but also not let it define you. We want you to know that having a diagnosis doesn't make you less than, but only adds to your strength as a person when you overcome or learn to live with them in a positive way. We're in this together, babe.

Love you always,

Mom

Brown Eyes & Blue Eyes

We were cuddling in his bed when he looked me and said, "Mommy, you have blue eyes." I was a little taken aback because he's never noticed before but I responded by saying, "Yes, I do. What color are your eyes?" Without missing a beat, he exclaimed, "Blue!"

To be honest, my heart ached for a moment. I gently corrected him by saying, "Nope, you have brown eyes. I love your brown eyes!" That was the end of the conversation and I thought maybe it was a one time thing. You know, just something he noticed and he could move on from.

However, the next day as I was making dinner and the whole family was hanging out in the kitchen, he randomly said, "Griffin has blue eyes. Daddy has blue eyes. Mommy has blue eyes. But I have brown eyes." I looked at Tim and saw tears welling up. The only thing I could come up with in the moment was, "Yes, you're right. But do you know who else in our family has brown eyes?" He didn't know and so I rattled off all the family members that have brown eyes too. This seemed to appease his curiosity but I am still here two weeks later wondering if I handled it correctly.

You see, it's starting. The questions. The noticing of differences. What I want him to know is that without his brown eyes, he wouldn't be him. If he grew in my womb, he wouldn't be Jacob. I love him and his brown eyes. His tan skin (admittedly I'm jealous of this). His huge smile. His extroverted personality. His determination. His gusto for life.

Although he'll never hear the words "You look like your dad", my heart yearns for him to feel comfortable in his skin and in our family despite that. Because we know full well, biology does not make a family. God makes families.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Celebration & Adoption

It's been one year. One year since nothing and everything changed at the pound of the gavel.

For two years I held my breath. On this day, however, relief filled my lungs and we proudly got to call him by our last name. It meant so much more than just us though, it was the gospel right there in the local court house...

He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.
 Ephesians 1:5

The moment of J officially joining our family is still hard to put words to, so here's the full story.

3 1/2 Months & Grief

Someone asked me how old G was and I said quickly, "Three and a half months." It hit me. He's the exact age J was. However, circumstances were very different.

Since then, I keep having moments where I'm holding G and begin to cry. He's so innocent. He's so defenseless. He's so fragile. He knows me.

J was the same. Except, he didn't know me. He was innocent, defenseless, fragile, and given to strangers (aka us). My mind quickly remembers another time when I rocked him to sleep for the first time in a heartbreaking condition. My heart has been breaking all over again in a deeper way.

I thought I understood it when we were blessed with him. But I feel like now I realize WHY he was so chaotic in the beginning. G knows nothing but us. He recognizes us and we are his world. G calms almost the minute he hears my voice. J was the same. He knew her. She was his world. He calmed when he heard her. Without warning, he was traumatized, ripped away from her, surrounded by strangers, and then placed into another stranger's home. Where is she? Where is her voice? This took months for him to learn that we were trustworthy and could calm him. Understandably so, right? Why would I expect anything else?

J was "so young", I thought. "Attachment" doesn't start until three to six months, I thought. I was so wrong. I guess that's why I'm grieving in a new way. I realize that I failed to acknowledge his attachment to her and questioned why he was colicky. With the experience of G, I get it now on a new level.

So, tonight as J was falling asleep I told him I loved him. He replied, "I love you too, mama." It sunk in deep. He accepts me as his mama even though he had a true attachment to her, and what an honor it has been to be on this journey with him.

Babies & Equipment

Photo Credit: Dana Clover Photography

When we were blessed with J, we literally had two hours to prepare and first time parents. Needless to say, it was a scramble and most of our equipment was handed down or lent to us. With G, we had 9 months to prepare and he is our second so we {kind of} knew what we would need/want. There have been so many times after using the stuff we have for G that I'd wished we had it for J. Here are my top ten baby must-haves:

1. Mamaroo

• It will cost you a pretty penny, but oh my is it worth it! G uses this everyday and it's the secret for him taking a long nap in the afternoon. I can get him to fall asleep in my arms then transfer him to this and with the constant movement, he doesn't even notice. With J, I would have to stand at his crib and rock it for hours. Once I stopped, he would wake up. The Mamaroo would have been gold with J, and is working out so well for G! 

2. 4Moms Bathtub

• There were times with J that Tim would think the water was too hot and times that I thought the water was too cold. This takes all the guessing out of it! No need to worry if your baby is freezing or being scorched, which gives a peace of mind when your washing that precious little newborn. I also like that clean water is constantly flowing in and dirty water is flowing out. There are so many times that G pees during the bath and I don't have to wonder if I'm washing him with pee water (yuck!). 

3. Rock-N-Play

• We were gifted this when we were blessed with J, and he slept in it until he was about 8 months. For G, this has replaced the traditional bassinet and he's slept in it since the day we brought him home. The main attribute I love about it is that it's inclined. There are lots of babies who struggle with acid reflux and your doctor will recommend keeping the baby at an incline. That can become tricky in a crib, and J often would just roll to the bottom on the crib before we had him sleeping in the Rock-N-Play. 

4. Snotsucker

• This is a huge step up from the old bulb sucker! I would have {loved} this for J with all of his respiratory issues as a baby. We have used it for G and it's awesome! The bulb sucker is a guessing game and often isn't powerful enough to get all the stubborn snot out of a baby's nose. With the Snotsucker you can see the snot coming out since it's clear and you control how powerful the suction is.  

5. Bumbo

• We used this with J and now with G. It serves multiple purposes! It allows your baby to sit independently when they aren't quite ready to sit up on their own. The tray is useful because then this can be used as a place to put cheerios, toys, or a feeding tray. We also used this so man times for when J was crawling but needed to sit still for breathing treatments. I love that it's easy to carry from room-to-room and I even bring it outside since it wipes clean. 

6. Tummy Time Mat

• We got this for G as a gift and use it daily. The pillow is wonderful to prop him up and give him a little extra encouragement to raise his head. Not only that, but it seems to be more comfortable than laying on our wood floors. 

7. Soothie Pacifiers

• J was never really got into pacifiers, but when he would take one it was the soothie. I have found that G likes these the best as well. Also, I like that the design is all-in-one so that you don't have to worry about the baby sucking off the nipple part. (I've read some crazy stories about this happening and baby gagging on the piece that falls in their mouth.)

8. Lillebaby 6-in-1 Carrier

• No need to buy new carriers when baby gets bigger! This grows with your baby, which makes it so worth the investment. I enjoy the simple design because I would get confused by those wraps! There is also a ton of support and I have yet to feel sore any where when I've worn G in this for hours. 

9. Graco Click Connect Stroller

• Oh my goodness! I {love} that I can grab the car seat out of the van and click it right into the stroller. This has made life easier when I pick up J from preschool, go on walks, or go for quick errands. When J was a baby, we were constantly lugging around that heavy, awkward car seat which is great for your forearms but terrible for your back. 

10. Baby Aquaphor

• Rash? Get the Aquaphor! Chapped lips? Aquaphor! Dry skin? Aquaphor! Cradle cap? Aquaphor! Get the picture? We use it all. the. time. 

Disclaimer: You don't need any of this stuff to raise a happy, healthy baby. These are only items that I've found to make raising a baby easier. I'm all about easy!

Tantrums & Housework

My oldest has always been a great napper. As in, he'd sleep at least 2 hours and if I let him he'd sleep 3 hours. It was awesome and a ton of housework got done in that time. My second was born and it magically worked out that they both napped at the same time. This was so important for the first few weeks to allow me to rest and recover. It was honestly such a God thing!

However, after a few weeks, J started waking up at 2:00am, 3:00am, or 4:00am. We would attempt to put him back in bed or have him sleep in a sleeping bag on our floor, but he was WIDE awake. He was wide awake and upset that we weren't getting him breakfast, playing with him, or allowing him to run around the house. This caused tantrums...hour long ones at the wee hours of the morning. Overly tired parents, a screaming toddler, and early morning hours are not a good mix. Not only this, but during the day it was a constant battle. Nap time was even becoming a battle with him and I started feeling like all I was doing was discipline. I hated it and was feeling overwhelmed...

We reached out to people that we trusted and got a lot of good advice and opinions. My {wise} sister suggested that he might be ready to give up his nap. I think I literally winced at that idea. How would my housework get done? 

After another week or so of tantrums and super early mornings, I decided to try it. To be honest, I thought it would turn into a complete mess by 3:00pm because he'd be so overly tired from not having a nap. I was SO wrong! What became clear is that did he not need his nap, but he needed me. Once G was born, J went from having my full attention most of the day to having my full attention maybe 15% of the day and he was trying to express that through his tantrums. How oblivious am I? 

Since G is sleeping during the early afternoon and J isn't napping anymore, we are able to have one-on-one time for at least two hours. This has been beneficial for him AND me. I truly enjoy this time, even more than I did before when I was resting or doing housework. I'm able to laugh and play with my sunshine without any distractions or other responsibilities. I was seriously missing him as much as he was missing me, but I was too invested in my housework/rest time to notice it. I screwed up, and am so glad it didn't go on longer. Yes, our house is a little messier than I would like. But we have a happy kid again and that's worth it!