Our Journey to Open Adoption

It can be intimidating for hopeful adoptive parents to see photos of families who have an open adoption with the biological family. It is often assumed that the open adoption started from the beginning. At least for our family, though, it did not.

Open adoption has been a journey for us - with ebbs and flows. When J first came to us there were a lot of unknowns for months. Not only that, but his biological mother was unable due to circumstances to have visitations for nearly a year. I would describe that year of one with a lot of bumps, not because of us or them, but because of the system itself.

The first time J's biological mother and I were actually able to speak to one another was in a meeting room at the court house. We did our best to make small talk while being surrounded by professionals watching us. One of the biggest attributes to this journey of open adoption was that we all had a mutual respect for one another. Tim and I did our best to always make sure she knew we respected her as J's mom and as a fellow human being. We sensed often that she also respected us as foster parents and genuinely appreciated how well we were doing in taking care of her son.

Although rare, in the midst of her frustration with the system, there were times that the frustration poured over on to us. I was reminded by friends and family that even though it felt personal, it wasn't. She was dealing with circumstances that I cannot even begin to imagine. She was fighting for her baby. She was in crisis. When I remembered this, it became easier to extend grace and move past it.

Once J's adoption was finalized, something shifted for all of us because our relationship was not dictated by the foster care system. We were able to meet up without professionals watching us and whenever it was convenient for all of us. Instead of meeting up in the court house or in an agency office, we started meeting up at McDonald's and parks. It made a world of difference! We were no longer "holding our breath" and she was no longer in "fight or flight" mode. We started slowly getting to know each other as human beings who both loved a boy named J.

Over the next five years, our relationship continued to grow as typical relationships do. As trust was built on both sides, more openness followed. We went from swapping numbers to meet up at McDonald's to becoming Facebook friends to inviting them to birthday parties to opening up our living room for Christmas. We all took it at our own pace and within boundaries that we were comfortable with in each season that life brought.

We certainly weren't the only ones who extended grace, though! J's birth mother extended incredible grace by choosing us to not only adopt her second baby, but also allowing us to be at the ultrasound appointment and in the delivery room. We didn't deserve or have the right to be there, but were so honored that she chose us and allowed us to experience those moments with her.

It has now been seven years since we first met in a court room. The typical rhythm for our open adoption is that meet up every few months (and it often involves pizza topped with pineapple cause we've found we all love it). There is laughing and playing and lots of hugging. We update each other on things going on in our lives. Not just shooting the breeze but real things like new jobs, health changes, and future plans.

At the end of the day, open adoption isn't about me or even her. It's about our kids. I can tell them until I'm blue in the face that their birth mother loves them, but for our kids to experience that love for themselves is invaluable. And from the way I see it, the more people to love them unconditionally the better!

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

The "Scary" Birth Family

It was my first time in a courtroom setting and when the judge asked for everyone to introduce themselves I said, "Meg". 

He asked, "Meg what?" 

"Oh, um, Weston."  

"And why are you here?" 

The caseworker nudged me and whispered, "Say you're the foster mom..."

"Sir, I'm the foster mom."

Thankfully that moment passed, but then I was overwhelmed by the presence of J's biological mother directly across from me while I was holding her baby. Once my nerves settled some, I got the courage up to look in her direction and to my surprise with tears in her eyes she lipped, “Thank you.” My walls of fear went tumbling down and I began to try to get J to smile for her. For a moment, she was able to enjoy her baby even though she couldn’t touch him.

The second court date, we were able to meet two other members of the family. They immediately came up to us in the waiting room as they recognized him. We formally introduced ourselves and his biological grandmother sat next to me while I held him. It was very awkward at first because I wasn’t sure if I could let them hold him and didn’t want to do it without the caseworker there. They seemed to sense this awkward moment too, because they didn’t ask to hold him either. It's something I am embarrassed to think about now. I should have let them hold him, but my fears were running a mile a minute which was unreasonable. 

After court, the caseworker asked if we’d be comfortable with them holding J. We agreed and so the caseworker asked if they would like to hold him. Their eyes lit up! They both were able to hold and kiss him. I remember wishing cameras were allowed in court houses. It was a beautiful moment to see J being loved on by his biological family. They gave him back to us and said thank you for taking care of him so well. J’s grandmother then leaned over and gave me a huge hug. It will go down as one of the best hugs I’ve ever received. She boldly broke a barrier and immediately made us on the same team for him, which is how it should be.

The next court date, they were there again. This time it was less awkward and more like friends. J's grandmother and aunt both said time and time again that they were in full support of him staying with us. His grandmother asked, “You would still be the ones to adopt him if it goes that way, right?” I reassured her by saying, “We are in love with him.” She smiled and said, “Good.” 

We talked about J’s development and they mentioned how they love the pictures of him on a private website we’ve set up. I was surprised, but they even requested that we add more pictures of us as a family and not just the ones of him by himself. They said they enjoyed seeing pictures of all of us together. Crazy, huh? The conversation then got deeper as the grandmother offered up that if we ever had any questions regarding family history or health issues that she would be more than happy to give us all the honest answers. She stated, “Anything. Really, I will tell you anything you want to know.” I asked a few questions there but hoped to ask more in the future as time went on and more trust was built up.

After court as we were leaving, his grandmother and aunt both gave me a hug. I stated, “It was good to see you again.” I wouldn’t believe 6 months before that that I would be there saying good to see you. It’s not that I had this expectation that they would be terrible people, but it was that I didn’t think we would have such a good relationship. I assumed it would be more distant. 

In our foster parent training, we viewed a film where there was scene of a birth family eating dinner at the family’s home. I thought it was a far stretch for that to ever happen when we were watching the film. However, I am honored to say that it's our reality.

I've heard many talk about a birth family as if they are a hindrance or inconvenience in the process, but I've learned that this attitude is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, we miss them when they aren't able to make it to birthday parties, we plan Christmas get-togethers, and genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They cheer us on and we cheer them on. We've straight up become family. I don't explain this as a "look how great we are", but rather to open the minds of those who think about adoption only to shy away from it due to openness. Instead, I hope this sheds some light on open adoption as something that can be beautiful and authentic. 

Together we are motherhood.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Excuses

Tim and I have heard a million excuses of why people don't do foster care or adopt or become a safe family when they find out about our family story. Don't get us wrong, we also went through these same excuses when we started our journey. One fact always seemed to trump all of our excuses - the kids are worth it.

1. If they were taken away from me, it would hurt me too much.

This is a valid point. It will hurt. However, if you are truly called into foster care/adoption/safe families, it isn't about you and your feelings. It's about the children who have been through hell and need a refuge. It's about being a safe place. It's about showing children love, real unconditional love. Every minute you spend with them will make a huge difference not only in their life right now, but in their life to come.

2. I couldn't handle visitations or interacting with the birth parent(s).

Again, Tim and I thought the same thing at first but God has humbled us. You realize that {most} all parents, no matter what mistakes they have made, love their children. I mean if my life would have been slightly different, I wouldn't be that far from them. What if I grew up in foster care? What if all I did was witness abuse of my older siblings as a child? What if I was abused? Many times, the things that cause children to be in foster care is a cycle in the family. It's a learned behavior and we are blessed that we never had to learn it. By no means am I giving excuses for their actions, but to demonize the entire person is wrong.

3. There are so many risks and unknowns.

This is completely true. In foster care and safe families, the child will come to you and all you might know is their age, gender, name, and a vague reason of why they are coming to you. That's it. To be honest, this was all we knew for about the first month with J. It's okay, though; we survived. We focused on simply caring for the needs of this sweet baby. That's why we got into this for anyway, right? To take care of children who needed a nurturing home for an unknown amount of time. In adoption, you will get a snippet of the situation as a whole before you make a decision to present. I know it can be scary to think of a baby being born exposed or with a history of mental illness, because it is a risk. Here's the thing about these risks, though, you have to account for the power of God and modern medicine. 

I'm begging you. If you feel called to be a foster parent or adoptive parent or safe family, do it. Take action. There are so many children who need you. As a matter of fact, we were only licensed for 10 days and were placed. The need is so great and these children are more than worth your time and love.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Bathtub Conversations

The first conversation I had with J about adoption was when he was nearly 3 years old and in the bathtub happy as a clam. In the middle of all of his splashing and playing, he shouted out, “My mama!” This wasn’t uncommon as he often did this when he met new people or when I would pick him up from daycare. He wanted everyone to know that I’m his mama. To be honest, it melted me every time. This particular time it melted me as usual and I said back, “And you’re my son!”

However, right after I was surprised to hear myself say, “Did you know that you have two mamas? Pretty cool, huh?” He looked at me a little confused but agreed by nodding his head and replying, “Cool!” I elaborated and said, “You were inside your other mama’s tummy!” He giggled, looked at his tummy and said, “Eww! In tummy!?” I giggled back and said, “Sure were. And that mama’s name is Mama E.” He then repeated me by saying her name.

I encouraged him to get out of the tub so that I could show him a picture in his room. It was one of the quickest times he’s ever got out of the tub! Upon getting to his room I brought down a picture frame with a sweet photo of his birth mama and him as a baby. I repeated to him again, “Mama E.” He then pointed at the lady in the picture holding him and said, “Mommy.” Before tears could come down my face I said, “Yep! That’s your mommy who grew you in her tummy. Then a little bit after you were born you came to live with this mama.” As he pointed at me, he said, “Yea! My mama!”

I knew it was only the first of many, many conversations yet to come. I also realize now that these conversations get deeper and harder for him. There are more questions now. Questions, that many, we don’t have the answer to. Part of me wishes it could stay that simple of one mommy gave birth and the mother mommy raised you. But that isn’t enough as he grows and discovers more. It’s daunting, really.

What I do know, though, is that God made him for a purpose. If he grew in my tummy, he wouldn’t be uniquely him. He had to grow in her tummy to become who God designed him to be. On the flip side, he was meant to be our son too.  We instill in him many other unique characteristics that come from nurturing. Without the both of us in his life, he wouldn’t become who he’s meant to be. I pray he learns to appreciate and understand that as he continues to process his story throughout his lifetime.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Oldest (Part 1 of 3)

It was a typical winter day. There was a dusting of snow on the ground and we were out running errands. We were on our way home when Tim's phone rang with an unfamiliar number. When Tim answered, his face immediately changed. I could see him processing some very shocking information, but I didn't know what it was. He finally said, "A 3 month old baby boy?" I knew right then that this was it. Ten days earlier we had received our foster care license and it was actually happening in that moment. Tim asked the caller for a moment to discuss the details with me, put his hand over the phone, and looked at me wide-eyed. He stated, "They have a 3-month-old baby boy and they are on their way to our home if we accept." We had always wondered how easy or difficult it would be to pull the trigger and accept our first placement. Without even thinking, I replied, "Of course! Yes, oh my gosh. This is happening, Tim!" All Tim could do was smile and relay our answer. 

We rushed home and Tim sprinted to the garage to gather all the items we had stocked up for a baby. (Funny fact: He was running so fast that he ended up needing a puff of his inhaler!) While he was doing that, I sorted all the items and called my sister to ask, “What do 3 month old babies do? Do they eat food? Do they play with toys?” She chuckled and said, “Nope, they basically still do everything a newborn does. Sleep, eat, and poop.” 

Our home was a mess with all the chaos of trying to organize our items and then trying to figure out what we still needed. We decided to wait until the baby arrived before one of us would go shopping for the other things we knew he’d need. We sat at our dining room table and stared out the window. I can take myself back so easily to the feelings of anticipation and excitement while sitting there waiting for the car to come. Tim and I didn’t do much talking, but when we did it was: 

“Can you believe this is happening?”

“I wonder what he looks like.”

Then suddenly the car pulled in our driveway. Tim went out and helped carry J in. He was sound asleep in the car seat so Tim placed the car seat on the couch. Tim took off the blanket that was over top and there he was—a beautiful baby boy with more hair than Tim could ever dream of! It was love at first sight. The paperwork was filled out and we were given the court date, then the caseworker left.

Tim took J over to the Christmas tree and his eyes lit up! Tim started crying and in front of the Christmas tree we fell to our knees, embraced with J in the middle of us, and wept tears of joy and sorrow. Joy because it now made sense why we felt called into foster care. It was for him. All of the classes, applications, paperwork, interviews, phone calls, tough conversations, and prayers were for J. I remember in that moment saying, “He is the reason. He is it.” In the midst of the joy, though, there was sorrow. Sorrow for what he so obviously endured. 

Soon after, J was clearly getting hungry. I remember feeding him that first bottle. As he guzzled it down, he stared directly in my eyes and I stared directly back at him—this was the moment that I became a mother.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our First Dinner With His Birth Family

It had been a year of J being in foster care and we continued to build trust with J's biological grandma and aunt. We planned to meet up days before Christmas for dinner. We were anxious and didn’t know what to expect as we headed there. What will we talk about? What if J throws a fit? What if this is really awkward? We got there fifteen minutes early and expected to wait a little while, but as we walked in we were welcomed with waves and smiles. They had been there a half an hour early, which showed they were just as anxious as us and excited to see him. 

There was no talk of the weather, sports, or work; rather, there was meaningful conversation that flowed easily. I remember being amazed at how comfortable we were around them. It was the typical family eating together, as any outsider would observe. His grandma chased him around the restaurant, helped me change him into his pajamas, joked that his temper tantrums are a family trait, and brought a galore of gifts for him. His aunt was taking pictures, giggling at all his expressions, and gushing at how cute he was. 

We discussed the future and they, once again, reassured us that they wanted us to adopt him. We, in return, reassured them that we wanted to keep them in our life and made plans to meet up consistently. 

As we were leaving, we all hugged each other (plus we got kissed on the cheek by grandma). As his grandma was pulling away after a second hug, she said, “I love you guys!” To my surprise, without hesitation, I said, “We love you too!” And honestly, we really do. We are all family now, because of J. 

This dinner would be just the first of many to come. In fact, our relationship has evolved to the point that they've been to our home many times. They are invited to birthday parties and sit at the same table as our extended family. Has it been perfect? No. But what relationship is? There have been seasons where we've seen them every other month and seasons where it's longer in between. Not because of any animosity, but because life happens. On both sides, there is a mutual respect and love that we understand when plans need to be changed or cancelled. They've been so gracious to us over the years!
Many hopeful adoptive parents are guarded when it comes to open adoption. It's the assumption that the biological family with co-parent in a way and that they are obligated to meet up all the time. That is not the case, though. With boundaries that are respected by everyone, open adoption actually reminds me a lot of a relationship you might have with your in-laws. They are there to love on our children, celebrate the good times, and we support each other through tougher times. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

When She Made an Adoption Plan

It's been 7 years since she first made an adoption plan. That day in court was heart wrenching, especially for her. What I want J (and E) to know is that...

This wasn’t easy for her.

It took her years to get to this decision. It was not made in haste. When we got inside the court room and the judge began asking the clarifying questions, we could hear her voice crack with every “yes”. I got enough courage to look up from my feet to look at her face and it was obvious – this was shattering her heart. The tears began to fall and the “yes” responses still came but they continued to get tougher.

She made a plan out of selfless love.

She didn’t sign what they call a “general surrender”; instead, she signed a “specific surrender”. This meant that she was only signing with the plan that we would proceed to adopt J. She wasn’t willing to just let anyone adopt him, and we are honored that she trusts us enough to raise her son. This plan was made out of selfless love, because what we all learn when we have children is that raising a child involves more than simply love. It’s complicated, unfortunately. She recognized that and chose J's well-being over her own.

She wanted you to have an involved father.

Mama E explained that what solidified in her mind of making an adoption plan was when she saw the way J and Tim interacted. She saw how much Tim loved J and how much J loved him. She didn’t want to take J away from a loving, involved father. This is just another example of her selfless love. She was willing to set herself aside in order to provide J something that she couldn’t give him at the time.

She loves you.

I’ve seen this since the first day in court back in December of 2012. I still see it in the questions she asks about J. When he was a baby, she'd ask about music classes, his favorite foods, how he interacts with other kids, and how he was developing. Even to this day, she wants to know what he into and how well he is doing in school. Every time J video calls her, she answers with a huge smile and ends the conversation with a "love you". It is such a gift to him and E that they'll grow up knowing the love of their birth mother!

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

*Photos shared with permission of their brave birth mother*

The Difference Between Foster Care & Private Adoption

It's a question I get often: What's the difference between foster care and private adoption when starting the process?

They really are two different worlds! I thought going into the private adoption world with our second adoption would be fairly easy since we'd been through a foster care adoption. Boy, was I wrong! In light of this, I thought I'd break it down for anyone deciding which direction they want to go and how to get started.

FOSTER CARE:

Most people think of DCFS when inquiring about foster care, but there are smaller agencies that contract with the state to provide foster care services. For instance, we went through LCFS (Lutheran Children and Family Services). The benefit of going to a smaller agency is that they often don't have as big of a case load per case worker. For you as the foster parent, that means it can be easier to contact them and get your questions answered. To become a licensed foster parent, prospective foster parents are required to have a home study and take classes.For us in Illinois, we went through PRIDE classes and had a home study done. PRIDE classes were every Saturday for 4 weeks where you are taught about different behaviors that can arise in children in crisis and what a typical foster care situation entails. It was insightful and so nice to go through a class with other people who would be in the foster care journey alongside us.

The home study for foster care is, well, intrusive. But they have to be! I mean, the state is entrusting hurt children to you so they want to do all they can to make sure this is going to be a safe place. We had to divulge our finances, our marriage, our individual lives (past and present), our discipline plan, and a thorough house tour. As a part of the home study, you also will need to get fingerprinted for background checks and have a physical done by your family doctor. Basically, the case worker licensing you will know you better then most of your close friends! It helped me, though, to remember why they have to know everything. It's to keep children who have been through trauma safe, and in light of that it makes sense.

The home study cost: $0

When it comes to actually adopting through foster care, there is significant risk. From the first day you are placed with a child, you will hear the term "reunification" all the time. If the parental rights are not terminated, the goal will always be reunification; when the child(ren) is returned to their birth family. And it should be. In an ideal world, children would stay with their biological parents. However, we live in a broken world where children are sometimes not safe to be with their biological parents. Does this mean their biological parents are bad people? No. Does this mean that their biological parents don't love them? Absolutely not! What it means is that by the grace of God, you are not dealing with the cycle of abuse or addictions or deep hurt that many of these biological parents have. So the foster care system, at it's core, is attempting to help the parents with their hurt, cycle of abuse, and/or addictions in order to be reunified with their precious children.

We were told that it's a consecutive three strike system in Illinois. Parents have a certain time span to meet certain goals and if those goals are not met, it's a strike. If they get three consecutive strikes, then the goal of reunification is changed. That means if they get two strikes and then a pass, the strikes start over and that's how children can stay in limbo for so long. There are obviously pros and cons to the three strike system, but again at the core of foster care is a whole lot of grace for parents in order to reunify children to them.

If parental rights do end up being terminated either through the state or voluntarily, then the child is available to be adopted. There are attorneys who are approved through foster care agencies to complete adoptions. Once you complete adoption classes and more paperwork through a case worker, you can start contacting an approved attorney. The paperwork will be filed through the court and a date will be set for finalization. The typical time span from rights being terminated and finalization is anywhere from 3-6 months.

The cost of adoption: $0

PRIVATE DOMESTIC ADOPTION:

Our private adoption was a little different because we were contacted by the expectant mom. I'm going to explain the process of private adoption in the typical way, though.

There a multiple agencies you can go through to complete a home study for private adoption. The home study is still intrusive but we felt like it wasn't as detailed as the foster care one. We still had to complete background checks and physicals. We also had to complete education hours, which we were given a list of websites to use. This made it easy so we could take classes over the web, based on when it fit into our schedule. While the home study is happening, a profile book would be completed. A profile book is a snapshot of your family that you present to expectant mothers making an adoption plan. The profile book tells the expectant mother who you are, why you want to adopt, and what your home life is like.

The home study cost: Anywhere between $1,000 - $4,000

Once you are home study approved, you can begin applying to agencies who work with expectant mothers wanting to make an adoption plan. The old-school way is to stay with one agency and wait among lots of family to be selected by maybe a dozen expectant mothers throughout the course of a year. However, I recommend the multi-agency approach where you would apply to multiple agencies across the United States in order to be presented to more expectant mothers then just a handful. It's important to note that you can only present to one expectant mother at a time, but when doing the multi-agency approach there are more opportunities to be presented.

If you are selected by an expectant mother, this is called a match. This is where the relationship can build with the expectant mother and the hopeful adoptive parents. Matches typically happen sometime in the expectant mother's second or third trimester but can even happen days prior to a due date or after a baby has been born. Either way, though, there are fees along with adopting privately. There are a lot of opinions on this and questions of why it is so expensive. My short answer is this: There are many people involved within the adoption making sure the expectant mother is well taken care of(which includes counseling, medical care, and basic needs), paperwork is filled out appropriately, and taking all of the correct legal steps. When you consider all that is involved within adoption, it then makes more sense.

Average cost of adoption: $35,000-$45,000

There is risk within private adoption, because the expectant mother is the mother until placement paperwork is signed. Each state is different, but in Illinois the placement paperwork can be signed 3 days after baby is born. This is important, because it gives the expectant mother time after the birth to think about this huge decision. If paperwork is signed, then you are able to take the baby home (given that the baby can be discharged) if you have adopted within your own state. If you adopt outside of your state, then you will have to wait out ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) for adoption paperwork to be processed by both states. On average, the wait for ICPC is 7-14 days but it can take longer.

Once placement has happened and you take baby home, the agency that did your home study will complete post-placement visits and they will help complete paperwork for finalization. Paperwork will be submitted to the court system by either the placing agency attorney or an attorney local to you, depending on the circumstances. You will then receive the date of your finalization which is typically 3-6 months after bringing baby home. The baby is fully yours once the finalization hearing is complete and the judge signs the decree.

Average legal representation: $2,500-$5,000

Once I spell this all out, it's common for people to feel overwhelmed by all the steps. But I can help! As an adoption consultant through Christian Adoption Consultants I can help walk you through each step, create your profile, give recommendations on what agencies to apply to, complete your agency applications, and offer education and guidance throughout it all! You can read more about why to hire an adoption consultant here.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Celebration & Adoption

It's been one year. One year since nothing and everything changed at the pound of the gavel.

For two years I held my breath. On this day, however, relief filled my lungs and we proudly got to call him by our last name. It meant so much more than just us though, it was the gospel right there in the local court house...

He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.
 Ephesians 1:5

The moment of J officially joining our family is still hard to put words to, so here's the full story.

Bitter & Sweet

Three years ago today J's life collided with ours. If I'm honest, it's a day that I sort of dread and look forward to when it gets close on the calendar.

On this day three years ago, brokenness was overwhelming. He came to us in a condition no baby should be in and the memory of that still haunts me.

But then I am also flooded with joy. J was our Christmas present that can never be topped. He made me a mama; an incredibly blessed mama.

J is still little enough now that he doesn't really know what is going on and what the meaning of this day is. We have told him it's the day that he came to live with us and his response is usually, "Yea, this my house!" I realize that each year he grows he will have more questions and be able to grasp what it actually means. How will we process that? I'm not sure.

I do know, though, that we will tell him how nervous we were. How Daddy needed his inhaler from running around gathering supplies. How I called Aunt Mimi to ask what a 3 month old even does. How we stayed up most of the night just watching him breath. How Daddy cried when he showed J the Christmas tree. How I cried when I first fed J and he looked directly in my eyes the whole time. How happy he made us the moment we got the call that a 3 month old baby boy was headed our way. Most importantly, how God's hand was in every moment...even the bitter moments.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.
Psalm 46:1

So there will be lots of tears today. Tears of sadness and thankfulness all at the same time...

Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!
2 Corinthians 9:15

3 1/2 Months & Grief

Someone asked me how old G was and I said quickly, "Three and a half months." It hit me. He's the exact age J was. However, circumstances were very different.

Since then, I keep having moments where I'm holding G and begin to cry. He's so innocent. He's so defenseless. He's so fragile. He knows me.

J was the same. Except, he didn't know me. He was innocent, defenseless, fragile, and given to strangers (aka us). My mind quickly remembers another time when I rocked him to sleep for the first time in a heartbreaking condition. My heart has been breaking all over again in a deeper way.

I thought I understood it when we were blessed with him. But I feel like now I realize WHY he was so chaotic in the beginning. G knows nothing but us. He recognizes us and we are his world. G calms almost the minute he hears my voice. J was the same. He knew her. She was his world. He calmed when he heard her. Without warning, he was traumatized, ripped away from her, surrounded by strangers, and then placed into another stranger's home. Where is she? Where is her voice? This took months for him to learn that we were trustworthy and could calm him. Understandably so, right? Why would I expect anything else?

J was "so young", I thought. "Attachment" doesn't start until three to six months, I thought. I was so wrong. I guess that's why I'm grieving in a new way. I realize that I failed to acknowledge his attachment to her and questioned why he was colicky. With the experience of G, I get it now on a new level.

So, tonight as J was falling asleep I told him I loved him. He replied, "I love you too, mama." It sunk in deep. He accepts me as his mama even though he had a true attachment to her, and what an honor it has been to be on this journey with him.