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Thursday, April 19, 2018

Parenting is Hard & Sanctifying

"This won't be the last time that doctor appointments feel heavy and clinical terms seem overwhelming, but I promise you will never be alone in the struggle."

I wrote this nearly a year ago and little did I know how true that specific line would be. This last month has been hard. It's involved lots of different appointments, medication changes, and big emotions {from both of us}.

I think, as parents, we can get so wrapped up in our children's emotions that we forget to feel and process our own emotions. Legit, most of my days are "I see you're feeling _____" or "It's okay to be mad but it's not ok to do ______ when we're mad" or "Do you need a hug?" or "Can you try that again with kind words?" It takes a lot of effort to be the emotional regulator without losing your own emotion control all. day. long.

Sunday morning we had a particularly rough morning with J. His emotions were high and when his emotions are high his words get very hurtful {thank you, impulses}. I was at my wits end and just decided to get ready without responding. As I was doing my make-up, he walked up to me and asked, "Mommy, do you still love me?" Oh my heart. Immediately, I got down on his level and said, "Absolutely. Mommy can be mad and love you at the same time. My love doesn't ever go away." He smiled and went on his way playing.

That should have been the end of it, right? But it wasn't. The devil has a way of getting to me with parenting moments like this. I started having insecure thoughts like: Why does my son question my love for him? Should I be doing more?

On the way to church, I finally acknowledged my own emotions and the tears started flowing. If I'm honest, I've felt defeated and ill-equipped for a while. But God met me at church with a song:

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"

It's exactly what I needed in that moment. I needed to remember that I can rest in Him, because where I'm ill-equipped HE isn't.

I'd love to wrap this up with a pretty bow, but that wouldn't be truthful. We are still in therapy. We are still working on new parenting methods. We are still just putting one foot in front of the other with God as our guide.

Parenting is hard and sanctifying and humbling and beautiful.

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