Adoption at the Hospital

When an expectant mother goes into labor and is admitted into the hospital the hopeful adoptive parent(s) are, most often, notified to make their way to the hospital. Emotions are running high for everyone involved. The expectant mother is giving birth to a baby she's made an adoption plan for and the hopeful adoptive parent(s) are eagerly awaiting the birth of a baby they have prepared to bring home.

At each step of an adoption plan, it is so important for the hopeful adoptive parent(s) to honor the expectant mother. But what does that look like in the hospital setting? To be honest, it means you as the adoptive family will be on the side lines unless asked to be otherwise.

Can we be in the delivery room?

It's the expectant mother's choice if she wants an adoptive family in the delivery room at any point. She may be okay with you in the room while she is in the beginning stages of labor, but then may ask you to leave when it's time to push. It's important to remember that giving birth is an incredibly vulnerable and sacred experience. If she allows you to experience any step of this with her, cherish it as a gift and not as an expectation.

Will we get a room at the hospital? 

This depends on the hospital where the baby is being delivered because each hospital handles adoption differently. Some hospitals do have designated rooms for adoptive families while other hospitals do not. If they do not, then you'll be expected to wait in the waiting room unless the expectant mother invites you into her room.

If you are from out-of-state, then you will need to secure a hotel or home of family/friends to stay at overnight.

Will we be able to hold the baby soon after birth?

It's possible! However, it's up to the expectant mother at what point the hopeful adoptive parent(s) will be able to. She may invite you into her room so you all can experience this sweet baby together or she may choose to have you hold the baby in the nursery/your room (depending on hospital accommodations).

What happens if we don't want the baby to get vaccinated?

In a typical match, the hopeful adoptive parent(s) and expectant mother have had some contact either through the phone or face-to-face over the last months of pregnancy which is when you can discuss your opinion with her. However, the expectant mother makes all of the decisions with her baby until she signs the paperwork. This means that if she sees it best to have the baby vaccinated after birth then that is her choice.

Can we name the baby?

This is another conversation that should happen beforehand, if possible. If you have a name that you've always loved or is a family name, then you can absolutely let her know that in a respectful way. However, as with vaccinations after birth, naming the baby is ultimately her decision.

When will we be able to bring the baby home?

You will be able to bring the baby home (or to the hotel to wait out ICPC if doing an out-of-state adoption) IF paperwork is signed by the mother and the baby is well enough to be discharged.

Preparing for a Home Study (Part 2)

Preparing for a Home Study (Part 1) was all about the paperwork and physical environment of your home that you can prepare for the first home visit.

Often times, the second (and some times can run into a third) home visit is what they call couple and individual interviews. To prepare for couple interview, here are some questions you and your spouse can discuss ahead of time:

1. How do you want to parent your child who you will adopt?
2. What kind of relationship would you like to have with your child’s birth parents?
3. Do you have a gender preference? 
4. Are you willing to adopt a child with special needs? What kinds of special needs to feel like you can handle? 
5. Are you open to multiracial adoption?
6. Up to what age would you be willing to adopt a child?
7. Are you open to twins or siblings?
8. What problems do you foresee as a parent and how do you hope to handle them?
9. Why do you want to adopt?
10. How did you and your spouse meet?
11. How are conflicts handled within your marriage?

The individual interviews will get into greater detail about who each of you are. A social worker will likely discuss you and your spouse’s family backgrounds, how you want to parent and discipline your child, if there are any divorces in your past, if you have chronic health issues that require you to be on medication, if you’ve dealt with legal issues recently, and what you do as a profession.

Many of us may have some difficult things to discuss because none of us are perfect. Although it may be intimidating to be vulnerable, it's important to be completely honest and forthright with the social worker.  It is the job of the social worker to ask about nearly every aspect of your life, but they do this with all couples. Being completely honest will alleviate any distrust on the part of the social worker performing your home study.


Need help choosing a home study agency? I'd love to help! Feel free to email me. 

Preparing for a Home Study (Part 1)

A home study is often the first and most intimidating step in the adoption process. There are lots of agencies to sift through and decide which one to go with. After you've decided what agency you're using, the oodles and oodles of paperwork to complete begins including (but not limited to) forms for personal and financial disclosures, background check including fingerprint information, and a physical exam form. Every state is different in terms of what materials they require, but often there is additional paperwork to gather:

• Copies of birth certificates for everyone in the home 
• Copies of social security cards for everyone in the home 
• Copies of driver's licenses 
• Copy of health insurance card 
• Copy of marriage license (if applicable) 
• If you have been divorced, you will also need a copy of the divorce decree 
• A copy of the first 2 pages of your tax return (the 1040 pages) for the past 2 years (some states/agencies may require 3 years) 
• Employment verification for both spouses 
• Pet records (proof of current vaccinations and a copy of county pet registration, if your county does this) 
• Personal references 

When you've chosen your agency, they will schedule the first home visit with you. These visits can last one to three hours, which is why so many hopeful adoptive families are intimidated by this step. In reality, though, most social workers are not out to judge you harshly. As a social worker myself trust me when I say that they too are human, so they recognize that you will have dust in corners that you just can’t reach. Of course you'll want to clean your home, but don’t feel the need to remodel your home. They’re not looking for the perfect home, but rather a suitable, safe home for a child.

The first visit is often where the social worker will check your home in the physical sense. They will make note of how many bedrooms and bathrooms your home has. The social worker will want to check the room your future child will be living in. If the room isn’t decorated, that’s okay! Your social worker just wants to know if it’s safe for a child. Beyond that, they will also check for:

Pool
If you have a pool, it needs to have appropriate safety measures taken to keep kids away from water. Many states require there to be a fence with a locking gate around the pool in order to meet this criteria. Different states have different requirements for how tall the fence must be (4 feet is a common one), and also the amount of area that must exist between the pool's edge and the fence (the idea being that if a child manages to get through the fence, they won't fall into the water immediately). Some states require that the gate be self-closing and self-locking, with the locking latch on the inside (towards the pool) to make sure that it would be very difficult for a child to manage to open. Finally, some states require that your back door (if that is the door that would lead to the pool) have an alarm on it so that you will know if your child goes out into the yard without you realizing it.

Guns
If you have guns, they also need to have appropriate safety measures. The requirements are typically that the firearm needs to be in a locked box or locking cabinet/case/safe, unloaded. The ammunition needs to be in a separate locked box in a different location than the box containing the gun. Both of these boxes need to be in a place where a child could not reach them (such as on a high shelf in a closet or the top drawer of a tall dresser).

Chemicals
Any chemical (such as cleaning products) need to be out of reach of children. This means that if you store your cleaning products under your kitchen sink, you need to either find a different spot for them (a high shelf in the pantry or laundry room, perhaps) or put a lock on that cabinet.

Medication
Make sure any medications are out of reach (in the medicine cabinet instead of the bathroom drawer, for example)

Smoke detectors
You need to have the appropriate number of smoke detectors/alarms based on the building codes of your state, and all need to be functional with working batteries.

Fire extinguisher
There needs to be a fire extinguisher stored in a reasonably accessible area. It doesn't have to be a full-sized one, something like this Multi Purpose Fire Extinguisher is what we have.


Need help choosing a home study agency? I'd love to help! Feel free to email me. 

What is ICPC?

When using the multi-agency approach, a hopeful adoptive family is often matched with an expectant mother out of their home state. After the baby is born and the birth mother’s consent is valid according to her state’s consent laws, a packet is prepared by the agency/attorney and sent to ICPC. 

ICPC stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. It is an agreement between all 50 states, Washington D.C., and the U.S. Virgin Islands. The purpose of the ICPC is to ensure that any child placed outside his or her home state is placed in a safe environment. 

The state in which the child was born reviews the packet of documentation. After deeming it sufficient, they will send the packet to the state in which the adoptive parents reside. In short, the states need to communicate. One state, responsible for the safety and well-being of the child, needs to make sure that another state is aware that this child will soon be a resident.

Only after ICPC of both states approve the placement, may the adoptive parents return home with the child and move forward with any legal proceedings. Processing generally takes about a week, but may take longer. Adoptive families should prepare to stay in the baby’s birth state for about 2-3 weeks. 

What can you do as you wait out ICPC? Bond with the baby! This often turns into a sacred time for the adoptive parents because you're free of visitors and the daily routine of being home. Instead it can be a time to catch up on sleep, snuggle with the baby, and start creating those important attachments. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

References:

https://afth.org/8275-2/

www.adoption.com

The Multi-Agency Approach

Traditionally, hopeful adoptive families apply with one adoption agency in their home state. The agency most likely has a large upfront fee and after paying it the family is placed on a waiting list. The profile book of the hopeful adoptive family is shown to expectant mothers who meet both the preferences of the expectant mother and hopeful adoptive family. In general, local agencies are smaller and work with a handful of expectant mothers per year. Since the agency works with a handful of expectant mothers, it often increases wait time (on average, at least waiting a year or more) for those hopeful adoptive families who choose to work with a single agency.

At Christian Adoption Consultants we know that the time between having a completed home study and profile book until being matched with an expectant mother can be the most challenging. That's why we recommend the multi-agency approach. Instead of applying to one adoption agency, the hopeful adoptive family applies to multiple agencies in adoptive friendly states that do not have a large upfront fee. This allows the family to have their profile book presented to more situations which often decreases the wait time.

At CAC, we have a recommended agency list where we've done the research. This means that a hopeful adoptive family who signs on with CAC can begin applying to agencies on our list and know that they are ethical as well as have a small application fee (or even waive the fee for CAC families).  In fact, families using CAC wait 5 1/2 months on average from the time their home study is complete until an adoption agency matches them and 6-12 months on average until the agency places a child with them.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

What is a Profile?

A family profile is a 20+ page booklet that a hopeful adoptive family gives to a prospective birth parent(s) who is making an adoption plan. It gives a glimpse into who you are (as a couple/individually) in addition to the children you may have, your extended family, pets you may have, and the home/community you live in.

Back in 2013, we had our adoption consultant (who also happens to be my sister-in-love) create one for us to give to J's birth mother. Although he was in foster care, we wanted her to know who we were. I mean, would you trust someone to care for your baby if you knew nothing about them? We were overwhelmed thinking about getting the wording right and wondering what all to include, which is an area where having an adoption consultant is valuable! We simply filled out a questionnaire, sent photographs, and told her the type of design we liked. About 2 weeks later, she sent us the final product to print!

A page from our profile

When I became an adoption consultant, I knew that profile creation would be a weakness of mine. I can assess risk, complete agency paperwork, answer adoption questions, encourage hopeful adoptive parents, and stay organized like a boss but when it comes to creativity - I struggle. So what's a girl to do? Hire an expert! 

Libby with her beautiful family

When I asked Libby if she would be interested in creating profiles for my families, her immediate answer was yes! I'm so blessed to have her as my profile creator because she specializes in photography and graphic design. She's been creating profiles for hopeful adoptive families for nearly 3 years. She carefully and thoughtfully designs each profile. Her goal with each one is for the family’s unique personalities to shine through which gives expectant mothers a glimpse into their life. And what's extra special about Libby is that she prays over each family as she creates their profile. Here are just a few examples of her incredible work:

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Excuses

Tim and I have heard a million excuses of why people don't do foster care or adopt or become a safe family when they find out about our family story. Don't get us wrong, we also went through these same excuses when we started our journey. One fact always seemed to trump all of our excuses - the kids are worth it.

1. If they were taken away from me, it would hurt me too much.

This is a valid point. It will hurt. However, if you are truly called into foster care/adoption/safe families, it isn't about you and your feelings. It's about the children who have been through hell and need a refuge. It's about being a safe place. It's about showing children love, real unconditional love. Every minute you spend with them will make a huge difference not only in their life right now, but in their life to come.

2. I couldn't handle visitations or interacting with the birth parent(s).

Again, Tim and I thought the same thing at first but God has humbled us. You realize that {most} all parents, no matter what mistakes they have made, love their children. I mean if my life would have been slightly different, I wouldn't be that far from them. What if I grew up in foster care? What if all I did was witness abuse of my older siblings as a child? What if I was abused? Many times, the things that cause children to be in foster care is a cycle in the family. It's a learned behavior and we are blessed that we never had to learn it. By no means am I giving excuses for their actions, but to demonize the entire person is wrong.

3. There are so many risks and unknowns.

This is completely true. In foster care and safe families, the child will come to you and all you might know is their age, gender, name, and a vague reason of why they are coming to you. That's it. To be honest, this was all we knew for about the first month with J. It's okay, though; we survived. We focused on simply caring for the needs of this sweet baby. That's why we got into this for anyway, right? To take care of children who needed a nurturing home for an unknown amount of time. In adoption, you will get a snippet of the situation as a whole before you make a decision to present. I know it can be scary to think of a baby being born exposed or with a history of mental illness, because it is a risk. Here's the thing about these risks, though, you have to account for the power of God and modern medicine. 

I'm begging you. If you feel called to be a foster parent or adoptive parent or safe family, do it. Take action. There are so many children who need you. As a matter of fact, we were only licensed for 10 days and were placed. The need is so great and these children are more than worth your time and love.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Ethical Adoption Agencies

Ethical adoption agencies are ones who...

1. Value expectant mothers for the people they are not just for the baby inside them.

When a woman finds herself pregnant and is considering adoption, an agency who is ethical will explain all of the options. A counselor should be offered and available to assess needs and talk through the emotions of an unplanned pregnancy. Often times an unplanned pregnancy is one where the expectant mother does not have stable housing, income, and/or is battling an addiction. These needs all fall under "expectant mother expenses" to assist with finding an apartment, providing food, and adequate health care. The expectant mother should be offered with separate legal representation to ensure that she understands her rights. If the expectant mother chooses adoption, post-placement counseling should be offered to allow for her to process all the emotions and be available free of charge. If the expectant mother chooses to parent, community services should be offered and full support given instead of being frowned upon. 

How a consultant can help: CAC only recommends agencies who prioritize expectant mothers and their care. 

2. View biological fathers as a vital part of the adoption process.

In the best case scenarios, agencies do all they can to not only identify the biological father and explain to him his rights plus what actions need to be taken if he does not consent (except for in extreme circumstances). It's very possible in an unplanned pregnancy that the expectant mother may not know the name of the biological father. However, the agency needs to take steps to at least identify who he is and communicate with him about the possible child he may have. I can speak to this personally that this will also benefit the adoptee to know at the very least the name of their biological father, if at all possible.

How a consultant can help: As part of CAC services, consultants help with assessing risk. We will equip you with questions to ask and help you assess if an unknown biological father is an increased risk for that particular situation. 

3. Have open communication with hopeful adoptive parents that is both honest and done in a timely manner. 

Before sending a situation of an expectant mother, the agency will have a thorough history written up and sent to the hopeful adoptive parents with identifying information of the expectant mother redacted. Within the history there are most often medical, criminal, and social information, as well as a report from an OB appointment if the expectant mother has seen one. If the expectant mother has not seen an OB, then that is often noted and if the expectant mother is open to it in the near future. 

Along with these histories, there is a breakdown of the fees including legal fees, living expenses, and social services. If this is not given in the beginning, the hopeful adoptive parents can ask for a breakdown and an ethical agency will be able to give that to them in a timely manner. 

How a consultant can help: CAC can assist with communication with the agency if you are having trouble getting questions answered. 


Are you feeling overwhelmed? I know this can seem so daunting! How are hopeful adoptive parents suppose to complete all the paperwork and maneuver through the steps while also ensuring the agencies are being ethical? This is where an adoption consultant can be extremely helpful! At Christian Adoption Consultants we carefully vet agencies to make sure they are ethical. The only agencies that make it to our list are the ones that we have carefully researched and who have proven to be ethical over a long period of time.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our Youngest (Part 3 of 3)

G was napping while J and I finished up lunch. My phone got a text notification so I gazed at it shortly to see who it was from. It was from J's biological grandmother so I picked it up to see what it said. "Would you and Tim be open to adopting again?" I stared at it for a while puzzled and then replied, "Yes, we've talked about it." After a number of texts back-n-forth, tears started streaming down my face. J asked, "What's wrong, Mommy?"

Nothing was wrong. Instead, I had learned on that mundane day that we might be becoming a family of 5. There were conversations that needed to happen first, though. I called Tim and told him the information I knew. He was on board immediately! After that, I called Tim's sister who also happens to be an adoption consultant to see what our next steps were. We'd been through an adoption before, but that was through foster care. Adoption through a private match is a completely different world.

• Find an agency 
• Pay for and complete a home study
• Fundraise
• Apply for grants
• Find a lawyer
• Annnnnnd wait. 

The due date came and went, which was all too familiar. However, this time it wasn't my body. I couldn't schedule to be induced because it's her body and her choice. After a couple weeks past the due date, Mama E decided it was time. She gave us the time that she would be induced and graciously invited us to be there. It was evening which then turned into night time. We wanted to give her privacy but also didn't want to miss the birth so we stayed in the waiting room nearby. 

Night turned into those early morning hours and still no baby. Mama E was exhausted from laboring all night and trying to push for about an hour. Around 6 A.M. we were told by staff to go get some breakfast as they were giving her a little more time to rest before she'd start pushing again.

We found a vending machine and ate some granola bars while staring off in silence. Tim is the calm one of us but he was clearly struggling with the intensity of the situation. We quite literally had no control and had to fully trust in God like never before. We rested in those few quiet moments and then decided to head back up. 

As we approached Mama E's room, she made eye contact with us. She gleefully asked, "Did you see HER yet!?! She's down in the nursery!" We hadn't know the gender of the baby because the ultrasounds were not clear enough. So when my husband heard it was a girl he was so overcome with joy that tears soaked his cheeks. He had longed for a daughter. It was more then just "a daughter would be nice", but truly something I believe God planted in his heart. 

We were escorted to the nursery and there was E screaming her sweet little head off. We each took one of her hands and she wrapped her tiny fingers around ours. I gently whispered in a rhythmic way, "Shh..Shh..Shh" over and over until she finally settled (and to this day, that "shh...shh..shh" still soothes her). 

Mama E was transferred to the postpartum unit with E and she again graciously invited us to stay. She held E for awhile and then said, "Ok, it's your turn to hold your daughter!"

                       

All three of us relished in how adorable E was and took turns feeding, holding, and smiling at her. Evening was setting in and we made the decision to get a hotel for the night. This not only allowed for us to get some sleep after 24 hours of no sleep, but it also allowed Mama E and E some sacred time together. Was it hard? Absolutely. However, this one night away will never compare to how hard it was for Mama E to leave us with E the next morning.

This is where selflessness and bravery are on full display in Mama E. The next morning, she was discharged. She was wheeled out of the hospital with her eyes full of tears and her arms empty. In that moment, Tim and I had no words. What could we say? Thank you isn't enough. So all we could do was embrace her.

We stayed at the hospital with E for the rest of the day and she was discharged the following morning. We headed home to introduce her to two boys who were eagerly waiting for her arrival. Once we got home, the boys were magnets to her. Those few minutes were the best of my life - seeing how excited they both were and how J (who can talk your ear off) was speechless with a permanent smile on his face. Contentment filled my soul because I knew E made our family complete.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Our First Dinner With His Birth Family

It had been a year of J being in foster care and we continued to build trust with J's biological grandma and aunt. We planned to meet up days before Christmas for dinner. We were anxious and didn’t know what to expect as we headed there. What will we talk about? What if J throws a fit? What if this is really awkward? We got there fifteen minutes early and expected to wait a little while, but as we walked in we were welcomed with waves and smiles. They had been there a half an hour early, which showed they were just as anxious as us and excited to see him. 

There was no talk of the weather, sports, or work; rather, there was meaningful conversation that flowed easily. I remember being amazed at how comfortable we were around them. It was the typical family eating together, as any outsider would observe. His grandma chased him around the restaurant, helped me change him into his pajamas, joked that his temper tantrums are a family trait, and brought a galore of gifts for him. His aunt was taking pictures, giggling at all his expressions, and gushing at how cute he was. 

We discussed the future and they, once again, reassured us that they wanted us to adopt him. We, in return, reassured them that we wanted to keep them in our life and made plans to meet up consistently. 

As we were leaving, we all hugged each other (plus we got kissed on the cheek by grandma). As his grandma was pulling away after a second hug, she said, “I love you guys!” To my surprise, without hesitation, I said, “We love you too!” And honestly, we really do. We are all family now, because of J. 

This dinner would be just the first of many to come. In fact, our relationship has evolved to the point that they've been to our home many times. They are invited to birthday parties and sit at the same table as our extended family. Has it been perfect? No. But what relationship is? There have been seasons where we've seen them every other month and seasons where it's longer in between. Not because of any animosity, but because life happens. On both sides, there is a mutual respect and love that we understand when plans need to be changed or cancelled. They've been so gracious to us over the years!
Many hopeful adoptive parents are guarded when it comes to open adoption. It's the assumption that the biological family with co-parent in a way and that they are obligated to meet up all the time. That is not the case, though. With boundaries that are respected by everyone, open adoption actually reminds me a lot of a relationship you might have with your in-laws. They are there to love on our children, celebrate the good times, and we support each other through tougher times. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

When She Made an Adoption Plan

It's been 7 years since she first made an adoption plan. That day in court was heart wrenching, especially for her. What I want J (and E) to know is that...

This wasn’t easy for her.

It took her years to get to this decision. It was not made in haste. When we got inside the court room and the judge began asking the clarifying questions, we could hear her voice crack with every “yes”. I got enough courage to look up from my feet to look at her face and it was obvious – this was shattering her heart. The tears began to fall and the “yes” responses still came but they continued to get tougher.

She made a plan out of selfless love.

She didn’t sign what they call a “general surrender”; instead, she signed a “specific surrender”. This meant that she was only signing with the plan that we would proceed to adopt J. She wasn’t willing to just let anyone adopt him, and we are honored that she trusts us enough to raise her son. This plan was made out of selfless love, because what we all learn when we have children is that raising a child involves more than simply love. It’s complicated, unfortunately. She recognized that and chose J's well-being over her own.

She wanted you to have an involved father.

Mama E explained that what solidified in her mind of making an adoption plan was when she saw the way J and Tim interacted. She saw how much Tim loved J and how much J loved him. She didn’t want to take J away from a loving, involved father. This is just another example of her selfless love. She was willing to set herself aside in order to provide J something that she couldn’t give him at the time.

She loves you.

I’ve seen this since the first day in court back in December of 2012. I still see it in the questions she asks about J. When he was a baby, she'd ask about music classes, his favorite foods, how he interacts with other kids, and how he was developing. Even to this day, she wants to know what he into and how well he is doing in school. Every time J video calls her, she answers with a huge smile and ends the conversation with a "love you". It is such a gift to him and E that they'll grow up knowing the love of their birth mother!

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

*Photos shared with permission of their brave birth mother*

The Difference Between Foster Care & Private Adoption

It's a question I get often: What's the difference between foster care and private adoption when starting the process?

They really are two different worlds! I thought going into the private adoption world with our second adoption would be fairly easy since we'd been through a foster care adoption. Boy, was I wrong! In light of this, I thought I'd break it down for anyone deciding which direction they want to go and how to get started.

FOSTER CARE:

Most people think of DCFS when inquiring about foster care, but there are smaller agencies that contract with the state to provide foster care services. For instance, we went through LCFS (Lutheran Children and Family Services). The benefit of going to a smaller agency is that they often don't have as big of a case load per case worker. For you as the foster parent, that means it can be easier to contact them and get your questions answered. To become a licensed foster parent, prospective foster parents are required to have a home study and take classes.For us in Illinois, we went through PRIDE classes and had a home study done. PRIDE classes were every Saturday for 4 weeks where you are taught about different behaviors that can arise in children in crisis and what a typical foster care situation entails. It was insightful and so nice to go through a class with other people who would be in the foster care journey alongside us.

The home study for foster care is, well, intrusive. But they have to be! I mean, the state is entrusting hurt children to you so they want to do all they can to make sure this is going to be a safe place. We had to divulge our finances, our marriage, our individual lives (past and present), our discipline plan, and a thorough house tour. As a part of the home study, you also will need to get fingerprinted for background checks and have a physical done by your family doctor. Basically, the case worker licensing you will know you better then most of your close friends! It helped me, though, to remember why they have to know everything. It's to keep children who have been through trauma safe, and in light of that it makes sense.

The home study cost: $0

When it comes to actually adopting through foster care, there is significant risk. From the first day you are placed with a child, you will hear the term "reunification" all the time. If the parental rights are not terminated, the goal will always be reunification; when the child(ren) is returned to their birth family. And it should be. In an ideal world, children would stay with their biological parents. However, we live in a broken world where children are sometimes not safe to be with their biological parents. Does this mean their biological parents are bad people? No. Does this mean that their biological parents don't love them? Absolutely not! What it means is that by the grace of God, you are not dealing with the cycle of abuse or addictions or deep hurt that many of these biological parents have. So the foster care system, at it's core, is attempting to help the parents with their hurt, cycle of abuse, and/or addictions in order to be reunified with their precious children.

We were told that it's a consecutive three strike system in Illinois. Parents have a certain time span to meet certain goals and if those goals are not met, it's a strike. If they get three consecutive strikes, then the goal of reunification is changed. That means if they get two strikes and then a pass, the strikes start over and that's how children can stay in limbo for so long. There are obviously pros and cons to the three strike system, but again at the core of foster care is a whole lot of grace for parents in order to reunify children to them.

If parental rights do end up being terminated either through the state or voluntarily, then the child is available to be adopted. There are attorneys who are approved through foster care agencies to complete adoptions. Once you complete adoption classes and more paperwork through a case worker, you can start contacting an approved attorney. The paperwork will be filed through the court and a date will be set for finalization. The typical time span from rights being terminated and finalization is anywhere from 3-6 months.

The cost of adoption: $0

PRIVATE DOMESTIC ADOPTION:

Our private adoption was a little different because we were contacted by the expectant mom. I'm going to explain the process of private adoption in the typical way, though.

There a multiple agencies you can go through to complete a home study for private adoption. The home study is still intrusive but we felt like it wasn't as detailed as the foster care one. We still had to complete background checks and physicals. We also had to complete education hours, which we were given a list of websites to use. This made it easy so we could take classes over the web, based on when it fit into our schedule. While the home study is happening, a profile book would be completed. A profile book is a snapshot of your family that you present to expectant mothers making an adoption plan. The profile book tells the expectant mother who you are, why you want to adopt, and what your home life is like.

The home study cost: Anywhere between $1,000 - $4,000

Once you are home study approved, you can begin applying to agencies who work with expectant mothers wanting to make an adoption plan. The old-school way is to stay with one agency and wait among lots of family to be selected by maybe a dozen expectant mothers throughout the course of a year. However, I recommend the multi-agency approach where you would apply to multiple agencies across the United States in order to be presented to more expectant mothers then just a handful. It's important to note that you can only present to one expectant mother at a time, but when doing the multi-agency approach there are more opportunities to be presented.

If you are selected by an expectant mother, this is called a match. This is where the relationship can build with the expectant mother and the hopeful adoptive parents. Matches typically happen sometime in the expectant mother's second or third trimester but can even happen days prior to a due date or after a baby has been born. Either way, though, there are fees along with adopting privately. There are a lot of opinions on this and questions of why it is so expensive. My short answer is this: There are many people involved within the adoption making sure the expectant mother is well taken care of(which includes counseling, medical care, and basic needs), paperwork is filled out appropriately, and taking all of the correct legal steps. When you consider all that is involved within adoption, it then makes more sense.

Average cost of adoption: $35,000-$45,000

There is risk within private adoption, because the expectant mother is the mother until placement paperwork is signed. Each state is different, but in Illinois the placement paperwork can be signed 3 days after baby is born. This is important, because it gives the expectant mother time after the birth to think about this huge decision. If paperwork is signed, then you are able to take the baby home (given that the baby can be discharged) if you have adopted within your own state. If you adopt outside of your state, then you will have to wait out ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) for adoption paperwork to be processed by both states. On average, the wait for ICPC is 7-14 days but it can take longer.

Once placement has happened and you take baby home, the agency that did your home study will complete post-placement visits and they will help complete paperwork for finalization. Paperwork will be submitted to the court system by either the placing agency attorney or an attorney local to you, depending on the circumstances. You will then receive the date of your finalization which is typically 3-6 months after bringing baby home. The baby is fully yours once the finalization hearing is complete and the judge signs the decree.

Average legal representation: $2,500-$5,000

Once I spell this all out, it's common for people to feel overwhelmed by all the steps. But I can help! As an adoption consultant through Christian Adoption Consultants I can help walk you through each step, create your profile, give recommendations on what agencies to apply to, complete your agency applications, and offer education and guidance throughout it all! You can read more about why to hire an adoption consultant here.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +