{God's} Love & Basketball

You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but this girl was drowning in chaos. My middle school years were marked with trauma that left me spiraling into drugs, alcohol, an eating disorder, and behavioral issues at school from the young age of 11.  I came from a stable, two parent home where I was loved unconditionally and they were often left with more questions then answers as to why I had changed so drastically.

My saving grace during these years was basketball. It came naturally to me (thanks for the good genes Dad) and I could escape the chaos during practices and games. It gave me a community of girls who had good, innocent fun without all the drama. It allowed me to be a kid during a time when in other areas of my life I had to grow up quickly. It gave me coaches who would encourage me and speak life into me. In fact, one of my coaches even became my Sunday School teacher who had a huge role in me finding Jesus. And last but not least, it was pure fun!

That's me in the back row holding the fake cardinal. I've always been unique, guys. 

Fast forward about 15 to 20 years and here I am still shooting hoops when I can.

As a 30 year old, I have the benefit of looking back and realizing that God gave me basketball. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But in those years where God was the last thing on my mind, He was still chasing me. God knew what had happened to me because He was there. (That fact has been one of deep questioning and deep comfort for me.) God knew I would need something to fill me back up, something to give my hurting soul a break, and something to heal through.

I don't know where you are at in your life.

+ Maybe you're a parent of a child who is struggling and you're not sure where it's coming from. Please hear me, God's got them. He's chasing them even in the most subtle ways. Trust Him.

+ Maybe you're a young adult who is questioning where God was during a dark time in your life. Please hear me, God's had you. You must look back over even the smallest details and see He was there providing for you in ways you didn't even realize.

+ Maybe you're a preteen (or adult, let's be real) caught in a mess that you never saw coming. Please hear me, God has not deserted you. He sees your pain. He is big enough to handle your anger and sadness. He's carrying you through this, even if you're being carried like a screaming, kicking toddler.

I want to take a moment and just thank my parents. My dad calls me his "wild child" which I certainly earned and am glad we can laugh about it now but it also came with a lot of stress for both him and my mother. Thank you both for loving me, cheering me on at all my basketball games, praying for me constantly, and for always sticking by my side even when I was awful to be around.

Pregnancy & Eating Disorders

It started around the age of 12. There is so much that goes into why it started, but what's important to know is that this was much more than a desire to diet or be thin. I finally got help for it in college and made significant changes in my thought patterns. Eating disorders are similar to addiction where professionals explain that you are never fully recovered, but you enter remission. I entered remission in 2009 and it was hard work. But it felt freeing to not be bound by rules, guilt, shame and low self-esteem.

Fast forward to 2014 when I got a positive pregnancy test. What a joyous and scary moment! There were so many emotions. One of those emotions was a fear of what pregnancy and a postpartum body would do to my remission. Up until that point, I'd never seen myself with a belly or being any heavier than my ideal weight. The scale had been my enemy for years and I rarely stepped on a scale since remission.  I knew that pregnancy meant a constant weighing of myself at the doctor's office because that would track the baby's weight. It made sense that they would want to know that the baby is growing and healthy, but seeing the number continually climb to a number I'd never thought I'd see was challenging. Those numbers used to be where I got my sense of control and worth from. I struggled, to be honest. I felt like I had no control, which is a scary place to be for someone who has an eating disorder. I seriously dreaded stepping on that scale each appointment because I knew it was a trigger.

However, I had a moment. A true, God-given moment. It was in my third trimester when I was making sure my outfit looked okay for the day and I literally thought, "I look beautiful...with a belly!" It's SO hard for me to admit that, but the point is that I've never thought that. Not even without a belly. I've been the first to criticize myself with every detail, nonetheless there I was in all of the pregnancy glory feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. My body no longer needed to be thin or a certain number on a scale but instead I saw my body for what God intended it to be. His creation.

In 2009 I entered remission, but in 2015 in my third trimester of pregnancy I was healed from my eating disorder. I believe that God used this pregnancy to not only create an incredible baby boy, but He also used it to heal this broken mama. (Don't get me wrong, there are A LOT of other things I need to work on but this was the biggest demon of them all.)