Pregnancy & Eating Disorders

It started around the age of 12. There is so much that goes into why it started, but what's important to know is that this was much more than a desire to diet or be thin. I finally got help for it in college and made significant changes in my thought patterns. Eating disorders are similar to addiction where professionals explain that you are never fully recovered, but you enter remission. I entered remission in 2009 and it was hard work. But it felt freeing to not be bound by rules, guilt, shame and low self-esteem.

Fast forward to 2014 when I got a positive pregnancy test. What a joyous and scary moment! There were so many emotions. One of those emotions was a fear of what pregnancy and a postpartum body would do to my remission. Up until that point, I'd never seen myself with a belly or being any heavier than my ideal weight. The scale had been my enemy for years and I rarely stepped on a scale since remission.  I knew that pregnancy meant a constant weighing of myself at the doctor's office because that would track the baby's weight. It made sense that they would want to know that the baby is growing and healthy, but seeing the number continually climb to a number I'd never thought I'd see was challenging. Those numbers used to be where I got my sense of control and worth from. I struggled, to be honest. I felt like I had no control, which is a scary place to be for someone who has an eating disorder. I seriously dreaded stepping on that scale each appointment because I knew it was a trigger.

However, I had a moment. A true, God-given moment. It was in my third trimester when I was making sure my outfit looked okay for the day and I literally thought, "I look beautiful...with a belly!" It's SO hard for me to admit that, but the point is that I've never thought that. Not even without a belly. I've been the first to criticize myself with every detail, nonetheless there I was in all of the pregnancy glory feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. My body no longer needed to be thin or a certain number on a scale but instead I saw my body for what God intended it to be. His creation.

In 2009 I entered remission, but in 2015 in my third trimester of pregnancy I was healed from my eating disorder. I believe that God used this pregnancy to not only create an incredible baby boy, but He also used it to heal this broken mama. (Don't get me wrong, there are A LOT of other things I need to work on but this was the biggest demon of them all.)