Are They Both Yours?

We were checking out at our local grocery store and I had both my boys in the grocery cart. The cashier asked, "Are they both yours?"

"Yep!",  I replied as I was becoming used to. Often times this was sufficient and no more questions were asked. 

But then she asked "So one has brown skin and the other is light skinned?"

I stared at my boys in the cart and saw that my oldest who has gorgeous brown skin listening intently. In that moment, my heart broke because he was old enough to understand her question.
I quickly replied, "Yep. He has the skin we are all jealous of! I wish I could be effortlessly tan!

I felt like my response wasn't enough and that I had failed my son who was listening intently. Since then, I've come to realize that I have to be prepared for these questions. We didn't enter into a multi-racial family with education that prepared us for these everyday situations. It's been 7 years of failing, listening to others, and researching ways to honor the way God created our family. Here are three practical tips from what I've learned along the way: 

Model How to Respond

They are watching us and listening to how we respond to different questions. How I respond is how my children will respond. Although my response at the grocery store was not bad in any way, I didn't like how off guard it made me feel. I wanted to be sure we had a go-to response that we as a family could use since any of us could be asked these things. After bouncing off some ideas with other adoptive families, we have rested upon "families don't have to match" as the response we keep in our back pocket. It's to the point and gentle. It allows for J to share more if he feels comfortable as he gets older and also allows him to simply keep it at that. 

Choose a School That Has Diversity 

We started J out in a private school. It was a great education but we quickly found that he was surrounded by children who were blonde haired and blue eyed. He was already feeling insecure about his deep brown eyes, so we didn't want him to grow up in constant environments where blue eyes were staring back at him. J now goes to our local public school where he is no longer the minority. He is surrounded by children who reflect him and some who don't. We knew we made the right choice when we got this picture from his teacher last year: 

That smile says it all!

I realize that some families choose to home school. First of all, I have the utmost respect for you if that's what you're choosing to do for your family! I think what is most important here, though, is that if you're adopting a child of a different race then you need to be intentionally giving that child experiences where they aren't always the minority. That might mean going to a different church once in awhile or signing your child up for activities where there are a diverse group of children. 

Let Your Child Talk About Their Differences

Kids notice differences so early! J was 4 years old when he started asking why he had brown eyes and I had blue eyes. He would then name everyone in our family who had blue eyes because he had been keeping track even before he put words to it. My wise husband has since started a bedtime ritual where J says the same three things right before a good night kiss - I am kind. I am smart. I have cool brown eyes. This gives him a nightly affirmation that the way he was designed is wonderful and not something he needs to feel ashamed of. 

We have to allow for a space where our kids who may not look like us to talk about it. We don't want to just push it under the rug and act like they don't see it because they do. We need to validate their feelings of being different within our families and also help them to see the beauty in the way God designed them to be. 

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +