Bouncing Back & Expectations

I can still remember sitting on our guest room bed as my husband took our jaundice newborn son to a doctor appointment a few days after returning home from the hospital. I wept. My mother came in and gently sat beside me. She asked me what was going on and I replied, "Why don't I feel better yet? Why is this taking ME so long? I can't even go to a simple doctor appointment. I see some women who are out and about days after giving birth!" Words of wisdom poured from her mouth as a woman who had been through this. She said, "Every woman is different with a different birth experience. There are some women who bounce back so easily. I sure wasn't one of them either! It's okay. I mean, really, it hasn't even been a week yet. Be patient with yourself and stop comparing."

But here I am on the other side of a complicated recovery that led to PTSD and PPD/PPA. This week I'm weaning off the anti-anxiety medication and that newborn son will be 11 months in a couple weeks.

To the woman who isn't bouncing back like she expected, know that I've been there. Please know that it's okay and you're still a superb mother. And as a wise woman told me, be patient with yourself and stop comparing. It has taken me 11 months to fully bounce back and it might take you longer or shorter. It's your postpartum journey. Just like everyone has a different birthing experience, we all have a different postpartum experience. Accept yours. Appreciate that your body did a miraculous thing that takes time to recover from, some more than others.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. - Deuteronomy 31:8

Silently Struggling & Getting Help

It was the night before my 6-week postpartum follow-up and I was a wreck. I was shaking uncontrollably, heart was pounding, fists clenched, felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and couldn't sit still. It was midnight so I texted my brother and sister to see if either would be awake. Luckily, my sister called right away. Thank God for her! My first panic attack lasted more than an hour and it left me feeling incredibly weak. Who knew the mind had so much power over the body? It's seriously incredible.

But it couldn't be Postpartum Depression, I thought. I mean, I'm not crying all day and I don't want to harm my baby. Those are the signs they say to look out for and that just wasn't me. I figured it was a one time thing and that it was all due to the anxiety over my first appointment since giving birth. There is some truth to that, however I continued to struggle with anxiety and complete exhaustion over everyday tasks. I also continued to experience panic attacks that would bring my husband home from work, keep me from being able to grocery shop, making me change travel plans, and ultimately landed me in the E.R.

This thick headed girl finally realized that professional help is what was needed. This wasn't blowing over. The office that I was referred to was so busy that I couldn't get an appointment until February, but I figured being on a waiting list was better than nothing. I was encouraged, however, by some wonderful MOPS mamas to call my OB to see if she could either help me until my appointment or get me into my appointment sooner. It worked! I got a call on a Tuesday from the office and they had an appointment for me the very next day. That's what I call a God-thing, folks!

So here I am a week after receiving treatment and I feel like that heavy, dark cloud has been lifted. I have my energy back and I want to play with my kiddos again. I share all of this to encourage anyone who is struggling but is questioning whether it's PPD. Get help! It's not only going to benefit you, but will benefit your kiddos and your spouse. Don't be embarrassed or stubborn like I was. Honestly, the psychiatrist told me if I would have got help right at the 6 week mark I'd probably be off the medication by now. I struggled for months for what reason? My own pride. Such silliness!



And if you're struggling or know someone who is, please also read this: Be Still My Soul.

Celebration & Adoption

It's been one year. One year since nothing and everything changed at the pound of the gavel.

For two years I held my breath. On this day, however, relief filled my lungs and we proudly got to call him by our last name. It meant so much more than just us though, it was the gospel right there in the local court house...

He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.
 Ephesians 1:5

The moment of J officially joining our family is still hard to put words to, so here's the full story.

Bitter & Sweet

Three years ago today J's life collided with ours. If I'm honest, it's a day that I sort of dread and look forward to when it gets close on the calendar.

On this day three years ago, brokenness was overwhelming. He came to us in a condition no baby should be in and the memory of that still haunts me.

But then I am also flooded with joy. J was our Christmas present that can never be topped. He made me a mama; an incredibly blessed mama.

J is still little enough now that he doesn't really know what is going on and what the meaning of this day is. We have told him it's the day that he came to live with us and his response is usually, "Yea, this my house!" I realize that each year he grows he will have more questions and be able to grasp what it actually means. How will we process that? I'm not sure.

I do know, though, that we will tell him how nervous we were. How Daddy needed his inhaler from running around gathering supplies. How I called Aunt Mimi to ask what a 3 month old even does. How we stayed up most of the night just watching him breath. How Daddy cried when he showed J the Christmas tree. How I cried when I first fed J and he looked directly in my eyes the whole time. How happy he made us the moment we got the call that a 3 month old baby boy was headed our way. Most importantly, how God's hand was in every moment...even the bitter moments.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.
Psalm 46:1

So there will be lots of tears today. Tears of sadness and thankfulness all at the same time...

Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!
2 Corinthians 9:15

Exclusively Pumping & How I Maintained My Sanity

I went into breastfeeding with the best of intentions, but also knowing that it often doesn't go smoothly. "Doesn't go smoothly" is such an understatement.

I ended up with some complications during recovery that left me severely anemic which also left me severely tired. I tried, though. In fact, right when he came out I tried to feed him. It wasn't too successful so they let the lactation consultant know that I wanted guidance. The lactation consultant was in my room about every three hours to help us (side note: thank God for her because she actually was the one who sounded the alarm on my complications). G didn't know how to suckle and so she did some techniques to help him get the hang of it. She did a wonderful job and I felt somewhat confident leaving the hospital that we could work through this.

We got home and we continued to try. To be honest, I was hurting a lot. He was screaming at my breast a lot. I cried a lot while trying. There are so many women who work through this and I commend them! You ladies are warriors! I, however, quit. I quit and that's okay.

This is where the glorious pump comes in! I started pumping every two hours religiously. This was time consuming, but it beat fighting my newborn for hours on end to breastfeed. At first I would get a total of about 3 ounces per pump, but as I continued the volume continued to increase. I pumped every two hours for 10 weeks and it was brutal at times. I felt like a diary cow. No, I was a diary cow. It paid off though because I began getting about 9-12 ounces per pump, which allowed me to begin a stockpile. A stockpile that would not only feed my baby, but has also fed five other babies (check out human milk for human babies). Once I had a good stockpile, I started pumping every 3 hours for weeks 10-16, then every 4 hours for weeks 16-18, and now I'm doing every 5 hours.

I want to encourage those who are just starting to exclusively pump that you can do this. It's hard but you can do it. It's one of those things that really does get better over time.

Equipment you need to get started:

1. Pump with vehicle adapter (Insurance will cover a pump but you'll still have to buy the adapter.)
    Yep, you'll be pumping in the vehicle. I've pumped going down the highway and in parking lots. Considering this, you might want to consider a cover if it makes you uncomfortable to have truck drivers see you pumping.

2. Extra storage bottles

3. Storage bottles with nipples
    There are slow flow nipples available for younger babies.

4. Freezer bags
    Another option is to use zipper lock bags and freeze the breast milk in trays. Once the milk is frozen you can pop it out and store in the zipper lock bags. It's more cost effective!

5. And let's be honest, you'll need a deep freeze. Or at least some one who will let you store your stock pile in their deep freeze.

Now, let's talk suction cup fit. It's incredibly important! I was using the wrong size for the first, ehhhh, 10 weeks? There were blisters. I finally reached out to my sister-in-law, who also happens to be an amazing lactation consultant, and she suggested that I look into a different size. That made a world of difference and so did lanolin.

To conclude, I'm a fan of fed babies. Breastfed, breastfed through a bottle, tube fed, and formula fed because fed babies are happy babies.

3 1/2 Months & Grief

Someone asked me how old G was and I said quickly, "Three and a half months." It hit me. He's the exact age J was. However, circumstances were very different.

Since then, I keep having moments where I'm holding G and begin to cry. He's so innocent. He's so defenseless. He's so fragile. He knows me.

J was the same. Except, he didn't know me. He was innocent, defenseless, fragile, and given to strangers (aka us). My mind quickly remembers another time when I rocked him to sleep for the first time in a heartbreaking condition. My heart has been breaking all over again in a deeper way.

I thought I understood it when we were blessed with him. But I feel like now I realize WHY he was so chaotic in the beginning. G knows nothing but us. He recognizes us and we are his world. G calms almost the minute he hears my voice. J was the same. He knew her. She was his world. He calmed when he heard her. Without warning, he was traumatized, ripped away from her, surrounded by strangers, and then placed into another stranger's home. Where is she? Where is her voice? This took months for him to learn that we were trustworthy and could calm him. Understandably so, right? Why would I expect anything else?

J was "so young", I thought. "Attachment" doesn't start until three to six months, I thought. I was so wrong. I guess that's why I'm grieving in a new way. I realize that I failed to acknowledge his attachment to her and questioned why he was colicky. With the experience of G, I get it now on a new level.

So, tonight as J was falling asleep I told him I loved him. He replied, "I love you too, mama." It sunk in deep. He accepts me as his mama even though he had a true attachment to her, and what an honor it has been to be on this journey with him.

Babies & Equipment

Photo Credit: Dana Clover Photography

When we were blessed with J, we literally had two hours to prepare and first time parents. Needless to say, it was a scramble and most of our equipment was handed down or lent to us. With G, we had 9 months to prepare and he is our second so we {kind of} knew what we would need/want. There have been so many times after using the stuff we have for G that I'd wished we had it for J. Here are my top ten baby must-haves:

1. Mamaroo

• It will cost you a pretty penny, but oh my is it worth it! G uses this everyday and it's the secret for him taking a long nap in the afternoon. I can get him to fall asleep in my arms then transfer him to this and with the constant movement, he doesn't even notice. With J, I would have to stand at his crib and rock it for hours. Once I stopped, he would wake up. The Mamaroo would have been gold with J, and is working out so well for G! 

2. 4Moms Bathtub

• There were times with J that Tim would think the water was too hot and times that I thought the water was too cold. This takes all the guessing out of it! No need to worry if your baby is freezing or being scorched, which gives a peace of mind when your washing that precious little newborn. I also like that clean water is constantly flowing in and dirty water is flowing out. There are so many times that G pees during the bath and I don't have to wonder if I'm washing him with pee water (yuck!). 

3. Rock-N-Play

• We were gifted this when we were blessed with J, and he slept in it until he was about 8 months. For G, this has replaced the traditional bassinet and he's slept in it since the day we brought him home. The main attribute I love about it is that it's inclined. There are lots of babies who struggle with acid reflux and your doctor will recommend keeping the baby at an incline. That can become tricky in a crib, and J often would just roll to the bottom on the crib before we had him sleeping in the Rock-N-Play. 

4. Snotsucker

• This is a huge step up from the old bulb sucker! I would have {loved} this for J with all of his respiratory issues as a baby. We have used it for G and it's awesome! The bulb sucker is a guessing game and often isn't powerful enough to get all the stubborn snot out of a baby's nose. With the Snotsucker you can see the snot coming out since it's clear and you control how powerful the suction is.  

5. Bumbo

• We used this with J and now with G. It serves multiple purposes! It allows your baby to sit independently when they aren't quite ready to sit up on their own. The tray is useful because then this can be used as a place to put cheerios, toys, or a feeding tray. We also used this so man times for when J was crawling but needed to sit still for breathing treatments. I love that it's easy to carry from room-to-room and I even bring it outside since it wipes clean. 

6. Tummy Time Mat

• We got this for G as a gift and use it daily. The pillow is wonderful to prop him up and give him a little extra encouragement to raise his head. Not only that, but it seems to be more comfortable than laying on our wood floors. 

7. Soothie Pacifiers

• J was never really got into pacifiers, but when he would take one it was the soothie. I have found that G likes these the best as well. Also, I like that the design is all-in-one so that you don't have to worry about the baby sucking off the nipple part. (I've read some crazy stories about this happening and baby gagging on the piece that falls in their mouth.)

8. Lillebaby 6-in-1 Carrier

• No need to buy new carriers when baby gets bigger! This grows with your baby, which makes it so worth the investment. I enjoy the simple design because I would get confused by those wraps! There is also a ton of support and I have yet to feel sore any where when I've worn G in this for hours. 

9. Graco Click Connect Stroller

• Oh my goodness! I {love} that I can grab the car seat out of the van and click it right into the stroller. This has made life easier when I pick up J from preschool, go on walks, or go for quick errands. When J was a baby, we were constantly lugging around that heavy, awkward car seat which is great for your forearms but terrible for your back. 

10. Baby Aquaphor

• Rash? Get the Aquaphor! Chapped lips? Aquaphor! Dry skin? Aquaphor! Cradle cap? Aquaphor! Get the picture? We use it all. the. time. 

Disclaimer: You don't need any of this stuff to raise a happy, healthy baby. These are only items that I've found to make raising a baby easier. I'm all about easy!