Lost Friendship & Lessons Learned

Our friendship began when we were nearly 11 years old. It was magnetic. She got me and I got her at a time in our lives when we were beginning to mature into the women we'd become. I trusted her enough to be vulnerable with my feelings and she was one of the rare people who saw me cry. Our friendship continued through high school and we decided to be roommates at college. It made sense, cause we already spent most of our time together.

We continued to room together through college and during our senior year, my then boyfriend asked me to marry him. I said yes. It was so exciting but much to my surprise, something shifted with our friendship. I didn't understand it then and instead got defensive. Why isn't she happy for me? Why is she ignoring me? Why does she seem angry and distant?

But I didn't say anything and I should have. We carried on semi-normally, and I asked her to be my maid of honor. She agreed with tears in her eyes and I felt like maybe we were back on track. Once I was married, the distance between my friend and I only continued to grow. There was an afternoon, after being married for not even a year, that she called me. With tears in her voice, she asked if she could move in with us. Not forever, of course, but for some time until she found a new roommate situation. Tim and I were living in a one bedroom apartment so logistically it didn't make sense to let someone sleep on our couch while we were still figuring out a new marriage. After some thought, I told her that we couldn't let her move it. Honestly, it's still one of my biggest regrets. When she needed me, I shut her out. Our friendship was already breaking and I shattered it beyond repair.

This loss felt incredibly heavy (and still does). My "friendship-esteem" was bruised. I went into friendship very timid and with lots of walls up for the next three years after. My friendships that I did form were surface. And then...

I gave birth to our second son and survived a hemorrhage that nearly took my life. That event was followed by PPD and I found myself feeling utterly alone. I wasn't, of course - I had my family. But I needed people who were actually living it along with me. This is when I decided to try a group called MOPS for the first time. I went reluctantly and desperately. I was reluctant to be in a room full of women, yet I was desperate for someone to tell me I wasn't alone in this journey. These women amazed me! They encouraged one another, they were vulnerable, they met the needs of each other, and they were friends. When I finally admitted my struggle, I had countless women lift me up in prayer, with coffee, and with stories of their own similar stories.

I've learned a lot in the past three years that I've been apart of MOPS. I'm continuing to learn what healthy friendship looks like through witnessing and learning from these incredible women. As cliche as it sounds, you have to be a friend to have a friend. They've shown me how to be a friend by being my friend, even when I had walls up.

Life doesn't have to be lived alone and with friendships that are only surface. In fact, it shouldn't be. As weird as it might feel at first, you have to open up. You have to go out of your way for people. Once you open up, they will open up and when they open up, you need to follow up. That's what we all want, right? Someone who can ask about the details of our lives and where we can feel safe to be make-up free, brutally honest, and have no fear of judgement. If we want that, we have to give that. It's seems so simple, but it will take effort. It certainly does for me. Look, I literally have to make reminders on my phone to ask certain friends about certain things that are happening in their lives right now.

There may be a lot of reasons to say no, but I've learned the hard way that I want to be the friend that says yes. I know that making a meal for another mama isn't convenient. I understand that telling another woman that you feel like a failure as a mom when everyone else seems to have it altogether isn't easy. It can feel overwhelming to open up your imperfect home (it's still such a struggle for me) and let others see that your kiddos aren't always pleasant little human beings. But I'm telling you from experience, if you don't, your friendships will disappear or at least become completely surface level.

Let's get out there and encourage each other as women through deep friendship!