Pregnancy & Eating Disorders

It started around the age of 12. There is so much that goes into why it started, but what's important to know is that this was much more than a desire to diet or be thin. I finally got help for it in college and made significant changes in my thought patterns. Eating disorders are similar to addiction where professionals explain that you are never fully recovered, but you enter remission. I entered remission in 2009 and it was hard work. But it felt freeing to not be bound by rules, guilt, shame and low self-esteem.

Fast forward to 2014 when I got a positive pregnancy test. What a joyous and scary moment! There were so many emotions. One of those emotions was a fear of what pregnancy and a postpartum body would do to my remission. Up until that point, I'd never seen myself with a belly or being any heavier than my ideal weight. The scale had been my enemy for years and I rarely stepped on a scale since remission.  I knew that pregnancy meant a constant weighing of myself at the doctor's office because that would track the baby's weight. It made sense that they would want to know that the baby is growing and healthy, but seeing the number continually climb to a number I'd never thought I'd see was challenging. Those numbers used to be where I got my sense of control and worth from. I struggled, to be honest. I felt like I had no control, which is a scary place to be for someone who has an eating disorder. I seriously dreaded stepping on that scale each appointment because I knew it was a trigger.

However, I had a moment. A true, God-given moment. It was in my third trimester when I was making sure my outfit looked okay for the day and I literally thought, "I look beautiful...with a belly!" It's SO hard for me to admit that, but the point is that I've never thought that. Not even without a belly. I've been the first to criticize myself with every detail, nonetheless there I was in all of the pregnancy glory feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. My body no longer needed to be thin or a certain number on a scale but instead I saw my body for what God intended it to be. His creation.

In 2009 I entered remission, but in 2015 in my third trimester of pregnancy I was healed from my eating disorder. I believe that God used this pregnancy to not only create an incredible baby boy, but He also used it to heal this broken mama. (Don't get me wrong, there are A LOT of other things I need to work on but this was the biggest demon of them all.)

Brown Eyes & Blue Eyes

We were cuddling in his bed when he looked me and said, "Mommy, you have blue eyes." I was a little taken aback because he's never noticed before but I responded by saying, "Yes, I do. What color are your eyes?" Without missing a beat, he exclaimed, "Blue!"

To be honest, my heart ached for a moment. I gently corrected him by saying, "Nope, you have brown eyes. I love your brown eyes!" That was the end of the conversation and I thought maybe it was a one time thing. You know, just something he noticed and he could move on from.

However, the next day as I was making dinner and the whole family was hanging out in the kitchen, he randomly said, "Griffin has blue eyes. Daddy has blue eyes. Mommy has blue eyes. But I have brown eyes." I looked at Tim and saw tears welling up. The only thing I could come up with in the moment was, "Yes, you're right. But do you know who else in our family has brown eyes?" He didn't know and so I rattled off all the family members that have brown eyes too. This seemed to appease his curiosity but I am still here two weeks later wondering if I handled it correctly.

You see, it's starting. The questions. The noticing of differences. What I want him to know is that without his brown eyes, he wouldn't be him. If he grew in my womb, he wouldn't be Jacob. I love him and his brown eyes. His tan skin (admittedly I'm jealous of this). His huge smile. His extroverted personality. His determination. His gusto for life.

Although he'll never hear the words "You look like your dad", my heart yearns for him to feel comfortable in his skin and in our family despite that. Because we know full well, biology does not make a family. God makes families.

+ If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at meg@christianadoptionconsultant.com. +

Bouncing Back & Expectations

I can still remember sitting on our guest room bed as my husband took our jaundice newborn son to a doctor appointment a few days after returning home from the hospital. I wept. My mother came in and gently sat beside me. She asked me what was going on and I replied, "Why don't I feel better yet? Why is this taking ME so long? I can't even go to a simple doctor appointment. I see some women who are out and about days after giving birth!" Words of wisdom poured from her mouth as a woman who had been through this. She said, "Every woman is different with a different birth experience. There are some women who bounce back so easily. I sure wasn't one of them either! It's okay. I mean, really, it hasn't even been a week yet. Be patient with yourself and stop comparing."

But here I am on the other side of a complicated recovery that led to PTSD and PPD/PPA. This week I'm weaning off the anti-anxiety medication and that newborn son will be 11 months in a couple weeks.

To the woman who isn't bouncing back like she expected, know that I've been there. Please know that it's okay and you're still a superb mother. And as a wise woman told me, be patient with yourself and stop comparing. It has taken me 11 months to fully bounce back and it might take you longer or shorter. It's your postpartum journey. Just like everyone has a different birthing experience, we all have a different postpartum experience. Accept yours. Appreciate that your body did a miraculous thing that takes time to recover from, some more than others.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. - Deuteronomy 31:8

Silently Struggling & Getting Help

It was the night before my 6-week postpartum follow-up and I was a wreck. I was shaking uncontrollably, heart was pounding, fists clenched, felt like I couldn't catch my breath, and couldn't sit still. It was midnight so I texted my brother and sister to see if either would be awake. Luckily, my sister called right away. Thank God for her! My first panic attack lasted more than an hour and it left me feeling incredibly weak. Who knew the mind had so much power over the body? It's seriously incredible.

But it couldn't be Postpartum Depression, I thought. I mean, I'm not crying all day and I don't want to harm my baby. Those are the signs they say to look out for and that just wasn't me. I figured it was a one time thing and that it was all due to the anxiety over my first appointment since giving birth. There is some truth to that, however I continued to struggle with anxiety and complete exhaustion over everyday tasks. I also continued to experience panic attacks that would bring my husband home from work, keep me from being able to grocery shop, making me change travel plans, and ultimately landed me in the E.R.

This thick headed girl finally realized that professional help is what was needed. This wasn't blowing over. The office that I was referred to was so busy that I couldn't get an appointment until February, but I figured being on a waiting list was better than nothing. I was encouraged, however, by some wonderful MOPS mamas to call my OB to see if she could either help me until my appointment or get me into my appointment sooner. It worked! I got a call on a Tuesday from the office and they had an appointment for me the very next day. That's what I call a God-thing, folks!

So here I am a week after receiving treatment and I feel like that heavy, dark cloud has been lifted. I have my energy back and I want to play with my kiddos again. I share all of this to encourage anyone who is struggling but is questioning whether it's PPD. Get help! It's not only going to benefit you, but will benefit your kiddos and your spouse. Don't be embarrassed or stubborn like I was. Honestly, the psychiatrist told me if I would have got help right at the 6 week mark I'd probably be off the medication by now. I struggled for months for what reason? My own pride. Such silliness!



And if you're struggling or know someone who is, please also read this: Be Still My Soul.