"I don’t know why people think that trauma just disappears after adoption occurs, or that adoptive families no longer need support. There is no doubt that adoption is beautiful, but we must remember that it also comes with so much brokenness.
I know because I’m living & breathing this everyday. As an adoptive mom, I can guarantee you that when the judge signs those papers, it may calm the chaos of the long & stressful adoption process; but it won’t calm the chaos inside of them that trauma brings.
Our adopted children have undoubtedly experienced trauma—yes, even ones separated from their parents at birth. We know that trauma physically rewires our children’s brains causing attachment, anger & behavioral disruptions far beyond what society considers ‘normal’ for most kids.
This cannot & will not be healed overnight.
After adoption, it’s still hard for our families to find babysitters who can manage our kiddos, friends that will tolerate our children’s high needs, teachers that are trauma informed or even health care professionals that fully grasp the effects of trauma.
Every day we are investing in the restoration of our children. It’s absolutely worth it, but it’s also hard & exhausting. Our children need gentle understanding just like they did before adoption took place; & adoptive families still need support so we can continue to do the hard work that healing brains & bodies effected by trauma entails."
It is widely accepted that older children who come through the foster care system or who are adopted at an older age have experienced trauma. However, research strongly suggests that a baby is able to recognize her mother’s voice. Within a few days of birth she begins to recognize familiar faces, voices and smells and is drawn to them. She is able to discriminate her mother’s voice from those of other voices. If you are a parent with biological children, think back on the time when your baby sought your presence, sought your face and smile, and was comforted solely by you. How could we not assume that an adopted baby recognizes the loss and separation from her birth mother, despite her inability to narrate it? I believe that she does recognize such loss – she knows abandonment, sadness, and hurt. Though healing can and does occur, she carries that loss with her the rest of her life. As adoptive parents, this fact is paramount to grasp so that we can help our children who have been adopted from birth heal and validate their feelings of grief when they express them.
What can we do to help the infant grieve? Be consistent. When the infant is unable to calm (researchers call this self-regulation), the caregiver uses herself to help the infant calm (through soothing touch, holding, soft words, swaying)—we call this co-regulation, and it’s an important part of early relationship-building. The infant who is distressed and protests the loss of his/her caregiver, may be irritable/hard to console, may cry more (while some babies may be more quiet or “shut down”), may appear to be searching for someone, may be less responsive/have a “flatter” expression, may seem anxious, and/or may be less hungry/experience temporary weight loss. With time and consistency, an infant will learn that his/her new caregiver will meet his/her needs, love, nurture, and keep him/her safe. But this process takes time. The infant needs repeated experiences of a caregiver responding in a timely way to his/her cues, providing consistent comfort and nurture in order to trust that this person truly will never abandon him/her and that this relationship will be a “safe home base” for soothing, care, and loving interactions. Over time, these repeated interactions become the basis for a new secure attachment.
This is why it is so important for new adoptive parents to meet the needs of the infant, instead of other family members or friends over the course of the first few weeks. The infant needs to know who the primary caregiver is and make a secure attachment to them through their needs being met. Beyond this, we need to be mindful of this deep loss that our child experienced as they grow. You may notice that your child who was adopted from birth has a tougher time with transitions or needs constant reminders that you will be coming back after dropping them off to school, for example. Although this is normal for most children in the beginning of school, you may notice that your child who was adopted needs these reminders long after many children have overcome this insecurity. However, if we are mindful of the way their life started - with deep loss - then we can be more understanding as to why they may be reacting to a separation more often then their peers. Although this can be overwhelming, we must cling to the hope that our children have a God-given ability to triumph over their trauma and we must stay consistent, validate their feelings of grief, apologize when we mess up, and reach out to a trauma-informed therapist when needed.
Resources:
Image from @flowering.families
https://www.facebook.com/RealLifeFosterMom/
https://adoption.com/how-infants-grieve-a-guide-for-new-adoptive-parents
https://beyondtwoworlds.com/2018/08/05/adoption-and-preverbal-trauma/